Friday, March 23, 2012

Farm Living

When I returned home from running errands today I was met at my front porch by my rooster Rosie and his henny woman Princess. They were giving me the "we want an early dinner" call. These two are quite a pair. After I gave them their private meal I took some scratch out to the other 10 chickens and spare rooster "Fajita". Later while watering my trees I discovered that Rosie and Princess were taking private dirt baths in my garden soil. I had so neatly leveled it and watered it to keep it from blowing away in our west Texas breezes. Now the dirt formerly known as level has huge dips in it where they have rubbed themselves. I lightly sprayed them with the hose, but they simple squawked at me. I had to chase them out of the garden. I guess that means I'll be shutting my gate from now on to slow down their hole digging.

Yesterday I had the front door open and was enjoying light breezes through my old fashion wood and a screen door. Rosie decided around 3:30pm to start crooning to Princess. It sounds like he's dying when he does this. It's almost like hearing an alien calling for his freaky mama! Princess stood at my front door making the most irritating noise as if to say, "Will you shut up old man, you're driving me crazy". I finally had to close the door and turn my overhead fans on. So much for a little natural breeze and sun.

I've planned to give my chickens away so I can minister out of town. I really hate giving up these two as they are really pets. The idea that someone wouldn't give them the care I offer upsets me. I may yet hold out and keep them after all. We shall see.

My life on this non-working farm is quiet these days. I pulled weeds today, watered my trees, set eight bricks in the sand for a stepping stone, planted some morning glories and now my back is a little sore. Decisions these days are tough. I want to do this and that, but I'm struggling for clarity. I have to trust God through so many hardships and turn my back on conventional methods of supply. God has proved more than faithful. I'm still living on a farm, but not much of a farmer anymore.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Waking Up

I had no idea six months ago that my life would be so altered by the death of my husband. I'm waking each day a little more different than the day before. I'm not exactly sure what is making all the changes in my life, there are a million little things that "could" be causing the changes, but other than God's hand I can't pinpoint what else might be THEE defining influence in my life.

I thought I might try to make a list of the people and things that I can say have and are"helping" me come out of this fog I've been in.
  1.  Number one is ALWAYS God and His word. I can't ever express how much I depend upon both. Of course God manifests Himself through love and because He lives in the hearts of so many of my friends, He manifests through them as well. I found myself gorging on the word in the darkest hours and the comfort of God's promises has compelled me onto the many tomorrows since Jeff went onto be with the Lord.
  2. My little sister. She stayed with me for two weeks after my husband died. She cried with me, held me and gave me a sane place in the face of horrific sorrow. We were never close as children, but God began drawing us together about five years ago. She surprised me on my birthday one year and came from Wyoming. We had the time of our lives and I'll never forget her for her sacrificial love. Father I pray that you would bless her with miracles in every area of her life. She deserves so much.
  3. A good girlfriend here in Gardendale that calls and ministers communion EVERY morning has been like my flesh and blood ROCK. We share the word and principles of healing and faith. She is older than me and has lots of gentle wisdom. She listens and loves me when I'm hurting. She also lets me come by anytime I need to get out of my cave. She actually came and got my mail key and outgoing mail and made a trip to the post office for me this morning. It was out of her way, but she wanted to share some precious articles we'd discussed on the phone. She left them with me so I could duplicate them and thought she might just pick up my mail while I copied them! When I was so ill several weeks ago, she called and got my grocery list. She bought me groceries and blessed me with them. These sorts of things have given me hope in my fellow man when I had pretty much given up.
  4. My best friend and her daughter who live in Midland. She "slaps" me in the face (not literally) with the word and NEVER lets me make excuses for my sin or for the sins of others. She tells me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Her daughter is my buddy. We share the word in a load of different ways. She is six years younger than my daughter and has been with me in the darkest hours of my sorrow. I owe her my life as she saw me through times when death seemed preferable.
  5. A prophet friend in Decatur, Texas. His voice and love of the word helped me make it through those times when I missed my husband's voice like a drowning man misses air. 
  6. An apostle friend in Arizona. He prayed for me and gave me prophetic words of direction many times. He continues to check on me and gives me prayer needs of his own to focus my faith on and to pull me outside of myself. It's odd how often I seemed to implode during this time of mourning.
  7. I have several authors that are my favorites: Kenneth E. Hagin, Smith Wigglesworth, Charles Capps, Kenneth Copeland, Norvel Hayes and several others. Their books about faith, healing and prayer are my favorites and these men of God, some here some gone on to their rewards, have shared their vast wealth of knowledge to my benefit. I ask God to send new treasures into the mansions of those who have gone on. Not sure if it happens, but I'm trusting it does. I want them to know when they are a blessing to me here on earth.
  8. I have a stack of precious sisters in the Lord that create beautiful cards and send them with a little cash just to "make my day". Oh dear Lord they have no idea how much I needed and continue to need such things.
  9. There is a couple that I really didn't know before Jeff died. The husband was a friend and also worked with Jeff climbing towers for the TV network they both worked for. After Jeff died they came by with feed for my goats and fowl. They took me to dinner and blessed me with so much love I can't even express it.
  10. My Russian girlfriends. I have a bible study with them every Thursday evening. It is a challenge to cross cultural and language bridges, but I delight in it and having someone besides myself to focus on. 
  11. My daughter and grandchildren. I can't see them, they don't call and the adversary has blocked them from my life, but dear God I pray for them and they compel me in ways only God knows. I lift them for the biggest blessings that God can provide. I surround them with faith. I shower them with love. I so miss them. I miss them as much as I miss my husband and they are alive. 
  12. The adversary. He has caused me to focus in on faith like a missile system focuses in on a terror cell in the middle east. My hatred of him is so immense that if I sense even the least little ache, pain, suffering, sorrow, hatred, envy or any one of a thousand manifestations of his presence I got "postal" in prayer and in the spirit. He compels me in ways that again, ONLY God knows! 
There are so many others who have and continue to touch me and change me. God uses braying jackasses, sweet sisters, precious brothers, horrible circumstances and situations to make me into the child He can use to love the unlovable and reach the untouchable.  I have no idea what I shall be when this life here is over, but I know I am and have been transformed in ways that stretch my soul to its breaking point. I know the work has only just begun, but I'm awake and aware that God is at work.



Saturday, March 17, 2012

By Faith

It's just after noon on Saturday. I'm sitting in my recliner with the front door open. The sound of spring lies just beyond the screen door and I'm breathing in deeply of all life has to offer this day.

I've been a widow (that still sounds weird to me) for just under six months and I'm learning a load of life lessons everyday. God is still on the throne, I will survive, I am not alone and I will go on.

I have a list of "to dos" that seems as long as my leg, but I'm one person and I'm learning to resort to God in a new way everyday. Today I decided to do another new thing. Actually I had decided to do it on one of my shopping adventures. I picked up a repair kit for bicycle tires. I have several things that have tubed tires in them. One was the garden cart someone gave us a couple years back. It has never been used. The little rubber spikes on the tires can testify to its disuse. In spite of its disuse it had a flat.
I decided to tackle the job of pulling the tube and tire, repairing the hole in the tube and then putting it all back together.

I remember my dad fixing tubes on our bikes when I was young. I remember him filling a bucket with soapy water and inflating the tube. One the tube was submerged in the soapy water he could see the hole. So I wrangled the tube and tire off its wheel and turned my compressor on. Inflated the tire and used my wash tub with soapy water to find the hole. One problem: too much soap. I had to bale the soapy bubbles out of the water. Once the majority of the bubbles were gone I could not only hear and feel the air escaping, but I could see where the hole was!

I put my finger on the hole, dried off the tube and followed the instructions on the repair kit. The first try was unsuccessful as the tube was a tad damp. The second effort proved successful!

After all of this came the real challenge. I have come to depend upon God's helpers, the ministering spirits or angels. The wheel was digging into the dirt and causing it to be full of sand. I heard a gentle, "turn it on its side" and so I did. I used the little pry tools provided in the kit, aired the tire and voila a fixed flat. Just one in a long list of "new things I've learned to do since my husband died"! Now I can sell the cart and someone who will use it will get more use out of it!

I'm learning to believe I can do whatever I hear God to do! It's called living by faith. It's not natural, but I sure love it when it works. Thus far it's worked without a hitch! Thanks Abba!

- love never fails.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Spreading Wings

My life is changing in so many ways I can't even note them all. This is odd because I'm a list maker and I'm not even the least bit interested in putting together a list of the changes. I feel like a caterpillar that is strangely drawn to wrap herself up in a chrysalis and withdraw while the metamorphosis takes place.

The privacy of my chrysalis allows me to face the tearing away of the flesh and soul of my beloved husband. It allows me a safe covering from the onslaught of worldly events I seem to be totally sequestered from.

I sense new things are coming out of the transformation I'm undergoing. Some of my friends are closer than ever before. Some have chosen to step away from the strange manifestations they see happening in my life.

The idea that I shall be a completely different person when the time for my emergence begins is surreal. I never anticipated the way my husband left. I had imagined he would die a different martyr's death many times. For him to die in my arms never crossed my mind. Never.

So as I stretch in my chrysalis and new things come to light in the small fissures that are appearing in my shelter, I anticipate the woman I will be. I look forward to the healing of my heart and soul. I delight in the new opportunities I will encounter. I will be a totally different creature when this is all over.

- love never fails.