Waking Up

I had no idea six months ago that my life would be so altered by the death of my husband. I'm waking each day a little more different than the day before. I'm not exactly sure what is making all the changes in my life, there are a million little things that "could" be causing the changes, but other than God's hand I can't pinpoint what else might be THEE defining influence in my life.

I thought I might try to make a list of the people and things that I can say have and are"helping" me come out of this fog I've been in.

1.  Number one is ALWAYS God and His word. I can't ever express how much I depend upon both. Of course God manifests Himself through love and because He lives in the hearts of so many of my friends, He manifests through them as well. I found myself gorging on the word in the darkest hours and the comfort of God's promises has compelled me onto the many tomorrows since Jeff went onto be with the Lord.
2. My little sister. She stayed with me for two weeks after my husband died. She cried with me, held me and gave me a sane place in the face of horrific sorrow. We were never close as children, but God began drawing us together about five years ago. She surprised me on my birthday one year and came from Wyoming. We had the time of our lives and I'll never forget her for her sacrificial love. Father I pray that you would bless her with miracles in every area of her life. She deserves so much.
3. A good girlfriend here in Gardendale that calls and ministers communion EVERY morning has been like my flesh and blood ROCK. We share the word and principles of healing and faith. She is older than me and has lots of gentle wisdom. She listens and loves me when I'm hurting. She also lets me come by anytime I need to get out of my cave. She actually came and got my mail key and outgoing mail and made a trip to the post office for me this morning. It was out of her way, but she wanted to share some precious articles we'd discussed on the phone. She left them with me so I could duplicate them and thought she might just pick up my mail while I copied them! When I was so ill several weeks ago, she called and got my grocery list. She bought me groceries and blessed me with them. These sorts of things have given me hope in my fellow man when I had pretty much given up.
4. My best friend and her daughter who live in Midland. She "slaps" me in the face (not literally) with the word and NEVER lets me make excuses for my sin or for the sins of others. She tells me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Her daughter is my buddy. We share the word in a load of different ways. She is six years younger than my daughter and has been with me in the darkest hours of my sorrow. I owe her my life as she saw me through times when death seemed preferable.
5. A prophet friend in Decatur, Texas. His voice and love of the word helped me make it through those times when I missed my husband's voice like a drowning man misses air. 
6. An apostle friend in Arizona. He prayed for me and gave me prophetic words of direction many times. He continues to check on me and gives me prayer needs of his own to focus my faith on and to pull me outside of myself. It's odd how often I seemed to implode during this time of mourning.
7. I have several authors that are my favorites: Kenneth E. Hagin, Smith Wigglesworth, Charles Capps, Kenneth Copeland, Norvel Hayes and several others. Their books about faith, healing and prayer are my favorites and these men of God, some here some gone on to their rewards, have shared their vast wealth of knowledge to my benefit. I ask God to send new treasures into the mansions of those who have gone on. Not sure if it happens, but I'm trusting it does. I want them to know when they are a blessing to me here on earth.
8. I have a stack of precious sisters in the Lord that create beautiful cards and send them with a little cash just to "make my day". Oh dear Lord they have no idea how much I needed and continue to need such things.
9. There is a couple that I really didn't know before Jeff died. The husband was a friend and also worked with Jeff climbing towers for the TV network they both worked for. After Jeff died they came by with feed for my goats and fowl. They took me to dinner and blessed me with so much love I can't even express it.
10. My Russian girlfriends. I have a bible study with them every Thursday evening. It is a challenge to cross cultural and language bridges, but I delight in it and having someone besides myself to focus on. 
11. My daughter and grandchildren. I can't see them, they don't call and the adversary has blocked them from my life, but dear God I pray for them and they compel me in ways only God knows. I lift them for the biggest blessings that God can provide. I surround them with faith. I shower them with love. I so miss them. I miss them as much as I miss my husband and they are alive. 
12. The adversary. He has caused me to focus in on faith like a missile system focuses in on a terror cell in the middle east. My hatred of him is so immense that if I sense even the least little ache, pain, suffering, sorrow, hatred, envy or any one of a thousand manifestations of his presence I got "postal" in prayer and in the spirit. He compels me in ways that again, ONLY God knows! 

There are so many others who have and continue to touch me and change me. God uses braying jackasses, sweet sisters, precious brothers, horrible circumstances and situations to make me into the child He can use to love the unlovable and reach the untouchable.  I have no idea what I shall be when this life here is over, but I know I am and have been transformed in ways that stretch my soul to its breaking point. I know the work has only just begun, but I'm awake and aware that God is at work.

Selah

Cerise

Crossing out the Farmer?

Two men are coming for one of my last two goats this morning. Soon all my chickens will be transported to their home and I'll be very close to freedom from the responsibilities of caring for farm animals. I will still own a small farm, but I'll only have a cat and a dog. It will be weird, but everything about my life recently has been weird. No animals and no husband. Both seem VERY weird to me. A good friend of mine told me that "abnormal" would become my new normal. This was in reference to widowhood. She was so right on. Her mom has buried three husbands and will more than likely bury her fourth. I don't think I could do widowhood that many times.

Today it's overcast with a slight promise of rain. I feel like that more often than I care to admit. I'm an optimistic, but wary person. I have hope for all, but am also in touch with the realities of life. I consider myself balanced, but I have my off days when I have to cling to God and cry out for grace and mercy. I don't cry nearly as often as I did when Jeff first died. It still sneaks up on me from time to time, but I'm better and better all the time as well.

I am in love with my friends right now. So many have filled in the voids that were left at my husband's death. I know I can call them and they have been so gracious to call me intermittently and check on me. Some bring groceries, some even brought food for my goats and chickens. I've made so many new friends as well. The guys coming to get my goats are friends now. My neighbors have become very close and I'm even looking forward to barbecues and get togethers where we play our instruments and sing. I'm looking forward to living again and I'm actually enjoying the journey again.  I think I might live after all.

I'm learning that all the ups and downs I've experienced are VERY normal in mourning. I mourned when my baby son died of SIDS, but it was nothing compared to losing Jeff. He was my buddy, my confidant, my lover and the one who could get under my skin faster than a cheetah after a gazelle.

Now I'm moving on in so many ways. I do some things the same way I did when he was here, but I also do so many other things so differently I surprise myself. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm much stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I'm working at compassion in much bigger ways. I know how much I need it right now, so I'm sowing it with the grouchy and nasty people of the world.

Life goes on. Folks bury folks all the time. Folks are abandoned all the time. Folks are betrayed all the time. It's all about what you do with the situation at hand. It's all about how your respond to the circumstances. I'm choosing to press into God, His word and His will for my life. For now I am a "retired farmer". I can live with that. I know that my beloved animals have a better chance of getting fed where they are. I know I won't have to lug home bales of alfalfa because the field in my acreage is empty. There are many advantages to being a "retired farmer". I was mostly a petting "zoo" operator. I don't like eggs so I mostly gave them away. My goats were pets and we only butchered one of them. I ate some tasty goat, but gave 90% of it to a friend who helped me with some plumbing.

I guess I can't really cross out the "farmer" in my title above. I'll leave it for now knowing that I WAS once a farmer and it  forever changed the woman I was into who I am today.

Reese

In the Valley

I'm just one woman in the midst of a multitude of women who are suffering through the loss of their husbands. I used to get glimpses of what it might be like and I'd run from them. Now I have to face the fact that I'm separated from half my flesh and I must be willing to let God heal me through this painful place. In the valley my faith is tried. In this valley I have had to face really hard things. In this valley I've had to be willing to do this thing far more slowly than I'd like. I am not a novice so there is no running in the valley. I know that Miss Patience is waiting in the wings. She is willing to do her perfecting work if I am willing to allow her. In the end I will come out fully equipped to do a job I'm unfamiliar with. I want to run to a familiar place, but I find they are all gone. He's gone and I'm aching for his ears to hear, his hand to hold, his frown to correct me, his wisdom to direct me, it's all gone.

I'm amazed at each time when God meets me personally and comforts me. I know that in the valley of the shadow of death God is the closest to me. He is really with me in trouble. I've learned through experience that when I'm at the hardest places God not only is with me, but He upholds me. He has promised me intimacy if I will let Him be my husband. I'm not sure what it means to let Him be my husband. It isn't easy, but it's where I am right now.

I really would like to scream and throw a thousand temper tantrums today, but I know that all that does is give me a headache. I want to be productive, but I find myself struggling at the tiniest jobs. Then I get busy like a house a fire and run through lists of chores only to falter and land flat on my face. My knees are skinned, my hands are skinned, my face is bruised and my heart is broken. My life is in transition and the change is hard. I'm not the first woman to go through this so why do I feel so alone in it? I'm not enjoying the intimacy with my own feelings. I'm "too" in touch with the pain. I'm "too" in touch with the loss. I'm just "too".

I've lost a son. This is different, so different. I've lost dreams and hopes, but again this is different.

I thank God for allowing me to have so many friends. They call, they visit, they listen, they fill the air with words to give my mind a place of rest. But my best friend is gone. He's in heaven enjoying the presence of the Father and the ruling Lord and Savior, our Messiah Yeshua/Jesus. Can I just smack him? No. I wouldn't if I could. Can I call him back? No, that too I wouldn't do. I must get through this valley. God will see me through this valley.

How many tears can I cry? Is there no bottom to this well? How much pain can I endure? Will I find my way? Will I live again? Will I love again? What does God want of me? For now I'm in the valley. I'm looking for the mountain tops again. The place where I can find joy unspeakable and full of His glory. I will get my eyes off of me and put them where the peace that passes understanding can settle my heart. He will keep me in that perfect peace IF I stay, keep, hold my heart on Him. In the valley.