Finding Me

After 34 years of marriage I had lost myself in my husband. I think it's supposed to be that way, but then when one is basically ripped in half and must rediscover herself it's an eye opener. I had no idea that one day I would have to figure out who I was, all by myself. It's weird but my pantry looks different, my walls are changing, my wardrobe is the same, but how I dress is not. The things I think about don't get bounced off of a man anymore, and I'm learning to live the woman in the mirror. How many girls marry right out of school? How many girls go from their parent's home to the marriage bed never really knowing who they are? I was one of those. I had a strong personality and ideas, but both were formed by the standards and ideas of my patents. Then I entered into a committed life with my husband and again someone else dictated much of what I thought was right. Now I'm taking stock of my life and it's a little weird to work at finding out who I am apart from my parents and apart from the man I spent most of my life with. It's a little freeing, but it's also a little scary. I guess I'm outta the boat and Jesus and I are gonna walk on the water together. I'm glad there's no click ticking that says I have to figure it out now. One day at a time and I'm in charge. If course God is first so though I'm learning about me, He's right there with lots of answers. The journey continues. - love never fails.

"I want it now daddy"!

"Godliness with contentment is great gain". Those words are sticking in my throat as I speak them. How many times over the years have I used them, but now in a certain situation I want them to disappear?

It's amazing how many scriptures I can find to support what I want, but it isn't about what I want, but what God wants. I can hear other words, "Not my will but thine".

My husband used to call me "spoiled", and I have to admit I was. The older I get in faith, the less of that God tolerates and the less of it I can allow as well. Lining my will up to God's is what faith towards God is all about.

I'm going to be honest and say I'm afraid to be alone. I've grown accustomed to being married to an honest to goodness human. Being married to God is a whole new world. There is no manipulation of God. It is very different to say the very least.

My peace comes with the knowledge that God is working in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure. As a spoiled child I don't always want to do His will. As an obedient daughter I will lay down my will to accomplish His.

I delight to do thy will O Lord.

Selah


- love never fails.

Traveling In Christ

The past three days were so fun. To bring light to folks wherever the Lord sends me is a pure delight. Getting to where the Lord sends me is quite another story. The word tells us to count it all joy (calm delight) when we fall into a variety of trials and temptations knowing that the trial of our faith put patience to work! If we will allow a calm joy to settle in our hearts, little Miss Patience will be working behind the scenes supplying everything we need for the work at hand.

I'm new to traveling and ministering on my own. My husband and I traveled for several years, but eventually my husband thought it best I stay home and he travel. After his death this past September I hit the road to care for the folks he had always ministered to. The groups are coming together and growing, but I have a learning curve now that I'm taking over this new (to me) work.

I began enlisting the prayer groups I'm connected to as well as began asking my own "lambs" to intercede. It surely has made a difference. I've even been asked by gals in the Oklahoma prayer group about studies in their area! That really excites me.

I'm learning my strengths, weaknesses, and how to rest, fast, study and pray for the work God has called me to. It's exciting and now I'm getting a clearer and clearer vision of where God wants me. Living and living traveling in Christ!

From my cozy nook in Roswell, NM and looking forward to a safe and prosperous trip to Lovington!

Cerise


- love never fails.

Too Much TV?

I'm not a big TV watcher. Mainly because I tend to overdo it and am too drawn into the familiar "boob tube", as my dad called it. Now mind you I do have a few favorite programs I record for watching at later dates when I can allocate time for such indulgences. I was taught well to get my work done and then partake of the pleasures that the work brings. Even in that I'm picky and won't watch 97% of what is offered.

I prefer more cerebral programming, but do enjoy occasional "comedy relief". I enjoy a good mystery from time to time, but gore and thrillers are strictly "off limits" to me. Again because I'm drawn into them way too deeply.

What is it about TV that is so appealing to us? Are our own lives so boring that we must be peeping Toms in someone else's drama? Or are our lives too dramatic and we need to know that, "we aren't alone"? I'm not sure about anyone else's reasons, but for me it's the story. A well written and acted story excites and entertains me. To live inside a different perspective is simply wonderful. I remember when the revelation that everyone didn't think or live as I lived came. I was both shocked, terrified and curious to know why. TV offered a huge smorgasbord of answers to my curiosity. It was a somewhat safe viewing platform for research into my new subject of interest. Although I'm not sure how realistic a great majority of what we see on TV is, it most certainly offers different perspectives than my own.

In spite of my hunger for understanding I still am extremely cautious about what and how much I watch. I think there truly can be "too much" of a good thing as well as a bad thing. A lot of what is on television panders to our baser instincts. This world is a dark place, which means the darkness is going to come into the sanctuary of our homes if allowed. Too much dessert is as bad as a little arsenic.

I will continue to "do research" into the world of other people's perspectives, but always with a measured spoon of moderation. I am pretty sure one can watch "too much TV"!




- love never fails.

Realms and Kingdoms

The world is out there. We live in it, we see it, we experience and we have  very little understanding about it. Within the world are realms and kingdoms. Even this is an enigma to most people. Sure they see the countries and nations within those countries. They see the rulers in those nations and some have "kings", but still their understanding is very rudimentary. Beneath or within every realm and kingdom on the earth is a power base or source. At the root of even that is THE greatest power source, the word of God. In His creative declarations God produced a framework so minuscule and invisible to the naked eye that even the strongest electron microscopes can't pick it apart in complete understanding. God Himself upholds all things by the word of His power! How are we as created beings able to understand He who is self existent and yet able to create from nothing something? Simply, we are made in His likeness and in His image. He once spoke and we heard and perceived. Before the fall in Adam, we heard, we perceived, we understood and we obeyed. In the last Adam, Yeshua Hamashiach, we have been restored and can walk as the manifested sons (and daughters) of the Most High.

There is a battle raging in this world, but its victory was secured before the foundation of it. God in Christ, in our Messiah Yahoshuwah, declared His victory. He called His Son "the word" and created everything we see and perceive. In His declaration of the hierarchy in this world He secured the victory and we (His sons and daughters) must play it out. 

In every tournament in realms and kingdoms are rules. Rules are laws and those laws broken have consequences. Even should the participants be unaware of the rules and laws, they will still pay the consequences unless a surrogate or substitute is found. 

 Revelation {11:15} And the seventh angel sounded; and there were great voices in heaven, saying, The kingdoms of this world are become [the kingdoms] of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever.

Again, in a tournament here are time restraints. The tournament lasts a limited time, has time boundaries and only the king can change those restraints. When the tournament is up, the games are over. So it is with this time frame we call the "kingdom age". It lasts 7 days or in God's viewing 7, 000 years. 

2 Peter {3:8} But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day [is] with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

After the tournament is over we will leave the time restraints we have known on this side of the spiritual and eternal realms. 

Within the time restraints we now know are "moeds" and "mowadahs", God appointed times and places. God will set aside a certain time and give it a name and a purpose. He will also set aside certain places and give them names and purposes as well. This is all part of His plan or will. His vision is all encompassing and fully dimensional. Those who participate in His will win trophies. Those who fight against or ignore it suffer dread consequences. Those who sell out completely to it will excel. Those who compromise will be "pruned" so that those who will cooperate can proceed in His plans. 

In God's plan and His tournament we have 6,000 years to work and 1,000 to rest and reign. In the biblical calendar we are in the year 5,772. That means there are 228 years left in this divine "tournament". 

God is the rule keeper. He declared that heaven and earth would record the outcome. As we live and speak both heaven and earth or recording the results of our words and deeds. At the end the record books will be opened and rewards and consequences will be handed out. There will be a tribunal and not one will escape from His sight. 

With every tournament are the good guys and the bad guys. Of course being that God's realm is spiritual or made of that which we can't see until it manifests, the enemies are invisible. Unless we are given spiritual vision, they can be perceived, but not seen with naked eyes. 

We are in a battle folks. Some of us have been given those spiritual eyes to see and spiritual ears to hear just what God is saying today by His Precious Holy Spirit. He has inspired (breathed within us) His plan for these last few days in the tournament of life. He has called us to be scribes and heralds of His will. What is His will? To believe on His Son, His representative on earth from heaven. Many are being lead astray away from His will. Many are joining the dark knight's side. Thankfully it only takes one to make a difference in the kingdom. That one was Yeshua/Jesus. He came and took his part in the tournament over 2,000 years ago. He came on the fourth day and was killed (part of the plan). He rose on the third day (also part of the plan). Now he sits on his throne on the right hand of Abba Father. He is interceding for those who hear God's voice and sell out to obey. 

The trumpets are blaring. The shofar has been blown as well. The call to duty has sounded and we have a job to do. We must lay aside all the distractions that have kept us busy up to this point. We must take up arms (the full armor of God) and go in and war for the souls of men and women. God created with His word, Yeshua redeemed, rescued and delivered us and now the Holy Spirit in we who were redeemed, rescued and delivered must go in and rescue those who have hearing ears and seeing eyes. 

Sitting still is no longer an option. We must leave our pews. We must leave our homes. We must leave our comfort zones and get off our laurels and march. You're in the battle whether you recognize it or not, whether you want to fight or not. You've been preparing and being prepared. Whatever you've lived through you will use. Whatever you've learned you will use. God will use you, but only if you are willing to let go of everything you thought you knew about life. Let Him take the lessons you've learned and transform you into the likeness and image of His Son! He is truly working in you both to will and to do of HIS good pleasure. It is His pleasure to give YOU the kingdoms and realms. 

Selah.

Stalled Miracle?

Jairus was the leader of the synagogue in Decapolis, the place known as "ten cities". His life was entrenched in the word of God. For all his study and dedication to that word he still had needs. Today his need had been greater than any he had known before. For the umpteenth time he went in and wiped the perspiration from his twelve year old daughter's brow. She was gravely ill and with all his knowledge he had no answer for his precious daughter's cries. In the back of his heart he had this nagging thought, "everyone that Yeshua lays his hands on is healed". He simply couldn't ignore the thought any longer. It didn't matter to him that he would lose his job. He didn't care if the Pharisees would cast him out of his beloved synagogue, he had to save the life of his daughter. His life meant nothing without her.

He set off to find Yeshua. He had heard that he was coming to Decapolis and he prayed he could find him and throw himself at the feet of Yeshua and beg him to come and touch his child. It wasn't very long before he heard the crowd and saw the rebel healer. Straight before him was the man himself, followed by the rumored crowds he had heard followed this sect leader's teachings. He almost ran to him, time was of the essence for his daughter was at the portal of death and life was ebbing from her body.

As he dropped to the ground at Yeshua's feet, his heart broken, his will spent, his destiny sealed, he saw the eyes of compassion in the eyes of this strange man. He begged him just as he had planned. The urgency of the moment made Jairus half nauseous, but the Lord was following him and he stepped up his pace as they headed towards his home. Just as they were nearing the block where he lived the healer stopped in his tracks. "Who touched my clothes" he questioned? Jairus was dumbfounded at this question as it seemed were Yeshua's disciples. They all looked around and his followers retorted, "Master this is a huge crowd and many people have touched you"! Jairus could hardly believe his ears. He wanted to grab the healer and run with him. He felt panic welling up in his heart.
An eternity later a cowering woman fell at Yeshua's feet exactly as Jairus had done. Jairus was frantic for this whole drama to be over. The woman was an unclean bleeder. She had snuck in and touched the Lord's knotted tribal prayer garment that every man in Israel wore. She relayed how she had planned to touch his talit with its 613 knots representing every law in the Torah. Although every man of the 12 tribes wore one, she knew that Yeshua's was different. It was different because HE wore it.

Anger and fear were growing like cruel mocking residents in the back of Jairus' mind. He could have had this woman stoned. One of those 613 laws gave him the right to try this woman for breaking the law. She should have cried out, "unclean" when she was near crowds. The healer spoke in time to stop Jairus' reasonings. "Daughter, your faith has made you whole. Go in perfect peace-shalom shalom. You are healed of your plague". Just as those words left Yeshua's mouth Jairus recognized his friends coming towards him from the direction of his home. "There is no reason to bother the master. Your daughter is dead". Jairus' heart dropped as he heard the dreaded words, but as Yeshua spoke a hush came over the crowd. "Don't be afraid, only believe" were the five grace filled words that he offered to Jairus. Clearing his mind of the fear he headed back towards his home. When he turned towards Yeshua he noticed the crowds hadn't followed. When they entered the house they were met with the horrific cries of mourners piercing his heart. Yeshua took control and ushered everyone out but him, his wife and a few of the disciples. His daughter was laying still on the bed, gray and lifeless. Yeshua took her hand and proclaimed in Aramaic, "little girl arise", and so she did! Tears of joy filled Jairus' eyes. Blurry eyed he grabbed his wife and began to yell and laugh with delight he had never felt before. It mattered little he had no job, he felt alive, really alive for the first time. They held their daughter as if it too was the very first time.

Jairus thought over the day as he and his wife watched their daughter eat. The last thing the Lord had told them was to feed her. Jairus could only think of what he would be telling everyone as he recalled his daughter's miracle. His life would never be the same. He knew he was also eternally tied to that woman who he'd been tempted to throw to the judges. They had shared a moment in time and destiny that would be heralded from then on! He sensed he had almost stopped the miracle when he had been tempted to be offended. He was so glad that he had heard those words, "fear not, believe only".


- love never fails.

A Word of Encouragement to the Body

The Lord speaks to me in the wee early morning hours. The following was given to me for the Body a couple nights ago. I sent it to specific people as a morale booster during perilous times. The Lord is no respecter of persons so I submit this to whosoever needs it.

When we have been in the battle for very long we are tempted to draw up in a sort of "fetal position" and give up or withdraw. The noise and fatigue of warring can be overwhelming to the flesh. It seems so much easier to surrender than to get back into the battle.

Consider David when he and his men had returned from battling to find their families had been taken. What was once their sanctuary became a crime scene. David's men wanted to kill him. They were angry, exhausted and ready to mutiny, but what did David do? He encouraged himself in the Lord! He stirred up the memory of past victories God had given him. He then asked God if he should go and if he would recover all. His faith in God's previous faithfulness stirred God to respond! God told him he would surely recover ALL. He and his men did exactly that!

I know how tired one can get of facing the noisome pestilence of the enemy. The enemy seems relentless, but he can NOT be in all places at all times. God however, is omnipresent by His spirit in us! If we do all to stand on the bedrock of God's unchanging word, we give God a platform from which to war. He raises up a banner of victory when the enemy storms our castle. The battle becomes His and the victory ours. I am standing for you to receive the seven fold restoration of all that has been stolen by the thief.

Do not grow weary in well doing. We are in this together. I am gathering the troops, we grow stronger as we unify and join arms in this battle for the souls (minds, wills, and emotions) of those God is calling. One lamb at a time I am being asked to pour in the oil and the wine to heal broken hearts so the lambs can hear His voice for themselves. We will all hear the same voice, but God wants to speak directly to you so you will have full assurance that it's Him speaking and not the enemy!

I've fought the bear, I've fought the lion and I will kill the uncircumcised Philistine and win. The adversary has nothing but shrouded lies, draped in half truths. We have a Father who can NOT lie! If He said it He has to make it good.


- love never fails.

Shaken and Stirred

If I have anything between me and my ability to hear the Father's voice I want it removed. I know that faith and love are the two power twins that give me access to the promises of God. Add patience and I've got spiritual dynamite that can move mountains.

Here I am talking about moving mountains and don't even notice that quakes and quaking move mountains as well. We are told that God is going to shake everything in the last days. He's doing so for our benefit. He's removing obstacles to His will. He wants us to hear His voice.

Around the hearts of men are shells being formed by the negative forces of this world. Ignorance, affliction and persecution causing offense, cares, worries, lusts, pleasures and the deceitfulness of riches all cause a hard shell to be formed around our hearts. Our hearts or spirits are the gardens of spiritual fruit. If they become hard packed, stone filled or thorn strewn they will stop producing.

If we can't hear the Father faith can't come. If we simply read our bibles and attempt to do good works without hearing God's daily instructions we end up offering works of the flesh rather than spirit led effective works.

Today God is truly working in His children both to will and to do of His good pleasure. His pleasure is to circumcise our hearts. He doesn't want flesh touching spiritual seed. He is willing to heal our wounded hearts so we can hear Him speak!

He wouldn't ask us to open our hearts to damage, He also tells us to "keep" our hearts. We do so by putting on the full armor of God. With the shield of faith (hearing God's voice) and the breastplate of righteousness on we can hear His voice and defeat the forces of darkness warring for the souls of men.

Allow God's shaking and be stirred up in spirit for the greatest victory of your life.

Selah


- love never fails.

Praying for the Modern Day Apostles

My beloved husband died too soon. He was isolated and cut off from the Body of Christ to his own demise. He was a modern day apostle and was dangerous to the adversary. He became disconnected from the other strong men of God. For this reason the adversary was able to come in and kill, steal and destroy.

I'm a warrior therefore I am very pragmatic. I've had to move on quickly and get back on the battlefield. I believe in learning from mistakes and so I'm publishing to those who have ears to hear the humongous need for the Body to pray first for God to send the apostles back into the world, and secondly for their guidance and protection.

The first thing the Lord did after ascending back into heaven was to give apostles. The Body needs this gift of order. God wants us to understand order and be able to prioritize during battle. Apostles help with triage and the other factors of war. The apostles of the Lamb battled successfully through the persecution of their time. We need to be able to do so more effectively in these dark and perilous times.

Pray for the signs of apostles; patience, signs, wonders and mighty deeds. Pray also for them to be surrounded by warring angels. Pray for deliverance from evil and all the deception of the adversary.

Pray for them to walk in holiness and be nothing but salt and light. If our leaders fall we shall fall as well.

Pray for grace for the apostles to do nothing but the will of the Father through the great Apostle Yeshua/Jesus.

Blessings as you pray!


- love never fails.

Stirred Up and Fired Up

When a child of God is earth bound it is a horrible thing. It means that a spiritual child is bound like a slave to the earth or earthly things, when he/she should be soaring with the Spirit of God. When the chains are broken loose and the constraints removed, the freedom that follows is an awesome thing.

I remember when I was bound to cigarettes. I had smoked for 15 years when I decided enough was enough. I knew I couldn't quit, but I had no clue if God would deliver me. I stepped out in total trust and told Him, "God I need to quit smoking, but I know that I can not do it. What must I do to be delivered from them?" I heard Him give me specific instructions and I did exactly what He told me to do. What He told me to do had NOTHING to do "naturally speaking" with quitting, but my obedience to His instructions freed me completely. Within three days I was completely free from cigarettes. Much like the woman with the issue of blood who touched the fringes of Yeshua/Jesus' prayer garment, I said in myself, "If I just do what He told me I shall be made free". The woman with the issue of blood knew that if she let anyone know she was in the crowd, she would have been stoned. It was the penalty for bleeding and not crying out, "Unclean, unclean". She had to be willing to die in order to live. She gave up everything to live. Normally if I had quit smoking "cold turkey" I would have heard in my head, "You're going to die if you don't get a cigarette". To obey God in this thing meant I had to be willing to face the withdrawal of not smoking and be ok with it. I NEVER had any withdrawal symptoms, but I didn't know that would be the case. I obeyed God and it was as if I had never smoked in the first place. Now whenever I smell cigarette smoke or see someone smoke I say, "Thank you Lord for delivering me from cigarettes."

Today I'm experiencing a freedom in spirit I haven't felt in years. To be released more each day to know the intimacy of a relationship with a living God goes beyond words.

As the hart panteth for the water brooks so my soul longeth after thee...

This is what I'm experiencing today. I'm so happy God has a bigger plan than the plan the adversary has tried to get me to accept as my "fate". Bah Humbug! 

I don't know how those who don't have a personal walk with God do it. To just have life on the most rudimentary levels is so dissatisfying to me. To reach for the heavens and have God touch you back is wonderful. It feels like a death when you first let go, but the rewards of seeking His kingdom are truly more than marvelous.

Do not be satisfied with your everyday life. When you hunger for the things of this world and when you achieve them, you will come away hungry again, but when you reach for God and He fulfills your destiny with His precious Holy Spirit you are so full you are overflowing.

Selah (Hebrew for stop and chew on this)!

Cerise

Climbing Out

The sun is shining and it's cool and breezy here in west Texas. It's a Saturday morning and I stayed up way too late last night. I can feel it in my body. Why am I sitting here typing rather than curling up in my recliner and counting little lambies? I haven't a clue. I suppose my adrenaline is flowing after a red tail hawk tried to make munchies out of my baby chicks. I heard the mama hen going insane outside and knew something bad was up. That hawk was very bold and pushing her luck. I told her to get lost and she flew over the yard a second time as if to say, "I'll be back"!  I got out my 410 shotgun and loaded it, but somewhere in the back of my head I knew she wouldn't be back so soon.

Mama hen was still pretty freaked out. I counted and all ten of her original dozen chicks were accounted for. She took them under the fragrant rosemary bush and calmed them by fluffing her feathers and allowing them to cower under the safety of her outspread wings. I hate losing chicks. I watched the first chicklet fade from day one and then found it laying still its tiny legs outstretched as if to say, "I give up". The second chick tried to quench its thirst in the duck's swimming pool only to discover it couldn't swim and the little fuzzy baby drown. I've had that happen before so if I ever notice the numbers of chicks are down I immediately check the duck pool. It's tragic, but humans can't be bound by the restrictions of dealing with stupid hens. I've placed chicken waterers in strategic places in the yard. Mama hen insists on taking her babes all over the field and then when they get into the yard they are so thirsty they check out the closest water source. If it's the pool you can bet good money it won't survive.

I'm learning to let go of many things now that I'm a widow. I quickly found homes for seven of my nine goats. There was a time when I would have fought to keep my pet goats, but I knew that starvation was something I wasn't about to watch so I found homes and let them go while I was still numb from my husband's sudden death. I also let go of two ducks that suddenly turned up missing. At first I thought a dog or fox had gotten them, until I also noticed that one of my little pink pools was missing from its hiding place between my wash house and the workshop. I'm guessing someone needed two male ducks pretty bad? Either that or the fox wanted to have a pool barbeque party?

It's weird to sit all alone in my little house. It's even weirder to sit here looking at a 410 knowing that I can shoot it and defend my farm animals because at present I'm all they have. It's odd to think of myself as "single" after 34 years of marriage. I'm even considering the thought of dating. Now that's simply surreal.

I'm definitely climbing out of the valley, but I've only just taken one or two steps. I'm focused on hearing God for my path ahead. I don't want to move to quickly as I'm accustomed to bouncing things off my husband before I moved. Now God is acting as my interim husband and I'm learning to hear His voice apart from a natural husband. I have things to do, a vision and am just working to get His take on this whole thing. It's another new adventure I find myself on, but it's worth all the work to get it right.

In the Valley

I'm just one woman in the midst of a multitude of women who are suffering through the loss of their husbands. I used to get glimpses of what it might be like and I'd run from them. Now I have to face the fact that I'm separated from half my flesh and I must be willing to let God heal me through this painful place. In the valley my faith is tried. In this valley I have had to face really hard things. In this valley I've had to be willing to do this thing far more slowly than I'd like. I am not a novice so there is no running in the valley. I know that Miss Patience is waiting in the wings. She is willing to do her perfecting work if I am willing to allow her. In the end I will come out fully equipped to do a job I'm unfamiliar with. I want to run to a familiar place, but I find they are all gone. He's gone and I'm aching for his ears to hear, his hand to hold, his frown to correct me, his wisdom to direct me, it's all gone.

I'm amazed at each time when God meets me personally and comforts me. I know that in the valley of the shadow of death God is the closest to me. He is really with me in trouble. I've learned through experience that when I'm at the hardest places God not only is with me, but He upholds me. He has promised me intimacy if I will let Him be my husband. I'm not sure what it means to let Him be my husband. It isn't easy, but it's where I am right now.

I really would like to scream and throw a thousand temper tantrums today, but I know that all that does is give me a headache. I want to be productive, but I find myself struggling at the tiniest jobs. Then I get busy like a house a fire and run through lists of chores only to falter and land flat on my face. My knees are skinned, my hands are skinned, my face is bruised and my heart is broken. My life is in transition and the change is hard. I'm not the first woman to go through this so why do I feel so alone in it? I'm not enjoying the intimacy with my own feelings. I'm "too" in touch with the pain. I'm "too" in touch with the loss. I'm just "too".

I've lost a son. This is different, so different. I've lost dreams and hopes, but again this is different.

I thank God for allowing me to have so many friends. They call, they visit, they listen, they fill the air with words to give my mind a place of rest. But my best friend is gone. He's in heaven enjoying the presence of the Father and the ruling Lord and Savior, our Messiah Yeshua/Jesus. Can I just smack him? No. I wouldn't if I could. Can I call him back? No, that too I wouldn't do. I must get through this valley. God will see me through this valley.

How many tears can I cry? Is there no bottom to this well? How much pain can I endure? Will I find my way? Will I live again? Will I love again? What does God want of me? For now I'm in the valley. I'm looking for the mountain tops again. The place where I can find joy unspeakable and full of His glory. I will get my eyes off of me and put them where the peace that passes understanding can settle my heart. He will keep me in that perfect peace IF I stay, keep, hold my heart on Him. In the valley.

Less Than Effective Faith?

The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear? -Proverbs 18:14

Last night I taught in the loverly town of Hobbs, New Mexico. For me it was a blessing and the beginning of many new things. As a new widow I'm learning to trust and hear God as my husband. It's quite a challenge to have a perfect husband! (Isaiah 54) He is ultimately patient and so encouraging. He knew I was insecure about stepping into full time ministry, but also knew I couldn't envision submitting to some man in a secular job. My heart is His word and will. So off I went on this new adventure!

We had a full house and I met several new people. They came from Hobbs, Lovington, Tatum and Roswell to hear and support me. I was touched.

The Lord had a young prophet call me shortly after my husband left for glory. My husband and I had taken him and his wife under our wings over 18 years ago. God spoke such comfort through his words! A man of prayer and study he had clearly matured a great deal in the nearly two decades since we had last communicated.

He kept telling me to guard my heart. He talked about how wounded our spirits can become and this wounding would eventually harden our hearts if left untended. Little did I know how timely his words would prove to be. I would soon be faced with am onslaught of fiery darts from the adversary directly after suffering the death of my husband of 34 years! My new husband (God) had sent ammo to prepare for the battle.

Faith is born of the heart or spirit of man."With the heart man believeth". If we have a crust or shell around our hearts it becomes harder and harder to hear God in order for faith to come. Faith comes by hearing, and the spiritual man hears in his/her heart or spirit. Every time we try to save or protect ourselves leaning on our own understanding we in effect build a wall around our hearts. It's vital to allow the intimate knowledge of Jesus to be our salvation. We are in a war and we have a desperate enemy. He is hunting for ignorant prey.

A careful study of the full armor of God reveals that the breastplate of righteousness is the piece of armor that protects the heart or spirit of man/woman. Knowing who we are in Christ is armor against condemnation and the fear of betrayal and deception. When we have been wounded once by some carnal attack, we have a tendency to try and protect ourselves. BUT if we know who we are in Christ Jesus from the beginning, we let that righteousness consciousness do all the guarding we need. Leaning to our own understanding or leaning to the arm of the flesh will get us in trouble every time. We build up those hard places in our hearts and a stronghold of fear and self pity stop us from allowing the fruits of the spirit to develop.

In another place in the word we're told that when we aren't fruitful God "prunes" the dead wood so that we can become fruitful once again. God isn't killing us, but it sure can feel painful when we undergo this "tree surgery". God is removing the things that get between Him and his children. He is returning the hearts of the children back to the Father!

Here are some scriptures I shared with the group in Hobbs last night. With some meditation you too will see that "keeping your heart with all diligence" is simply trusting that you are in rightstanding with God and that equips you to stand strong in the face of persecution, rejection, betrayal, or any of a multitude of attacks from the enemy. We may be deceived into thinking that we're fighting friends, enemies or acquaintances, but we aren't supposed to wrestle with flesh and blood. We must realize we are fighting the "accuser of the brethren". The more we see that and allow Christ (the anointing that destroys all yokes) to be formed in us, the fewer hard places we'll see in our own hearts and the better we will hear God's voice (the Holy Spirit) so faith and all the other fruits of the spirit can develop!

Isaiah 66:2, 57: 17, Psalms 34:18, Proverbs 4:23, Luke 8:11-15, Romans 10:10, Ezekiel 11:19.

If you believe you have hard places in your heart (spirit) you need to pray for God to remove and heal those places. You need your heart or spirit to be productive and hearing for healing to come. It's not too late, if your heart has waxed gross or is getting hard God can take out the stony heart and give you a heart of flesh. He is such a gentle surgeon and while you're going through the process of healing and restoration He gives His angels charge over you to "keep" or guard you in all your ways! It will be a time of rest and restoration.


Let me pray for you. Email me if you know you've been betrayed, rejected, hurt or something else and that there is a chance you have hard places you're not even aware of. Email me here.


God bless and touch you now.


Cerise



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Broken Hearted

I've been widowed now for 18 days and it isn't easy. I miss my husband and think of him often. He was far from perfect, but God gave him to me and I loved him with every bit of my heart. He is gone from me and the adjustment is excruciating. He was much sicker than I knew and it hurts me deeply that he was unable to express the depths of despair he was in. BUT he no longer suffers and I must move on.

I have always been committed to the work of God. While I was married to Jeff he was my focus. He knew how much I lived for and loved him, but God's will was always the compelling force behind my love. I hate sin because it kills, steals and destroys the lives of God's precious children. My heart was constantly for my husband to walk in his call with strength and holy integrity. My desire put a great deal if pressure on a man who had passions like all men. God forgive me if I was not led by His will for my husband.

Today I find peace in His written word as well as that which He speaks to me. I will share the passages I was led to and should you be in a broken place, perhaps you will find comfort as well.

Isaiah 57:15 for thus saith the High and lofty One that inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy. I dwell in the high and holy place, with him (or her) also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.

We are told to "guard our hearts" for out of them proceed all the issues of life. Faith and all other fruits of the spirit are from our hearts or spirits. When we are wounded in heart by offenses, cares, worries, lusts and sin we need healing and restoration. An untended heart becomes a hardened heart. A hardened heart cannot hear thus no faith. Submitting to God for this sort of healing and restoration is a must.

The other passages I am meditating on are: Isaiah 66:2, Psalm 51:7, and 34:18. I trust you will take the time to look these up and feed your heart!

Blessings

Cerise


- love never fails...

My Unseen Husband

If you are a strong woman, others tend to think you never struggle or have needs, but that just isn't so. In order to become a strong woman I've had to press through what seemed like impossible situations and put my entire trust on a God I cannot see. The first time I did this I thought I would die, but God saw me through and He continues to do so every difficult moment I face.

Today is the one week "anniversary" of my husband going home to be with God. I'm not crying this moment, but I'm pretty sure I'm not through crying. I am very blessed to have hundreds of friends and a few family (blood) members that uplift me in a thousand ways, but when everyone goes on about the business of living and I am left to myself I will do what I have always done, and that is trust the unseen Creator for my very breath.

My life has had it's share of sorrows, disappointments, and devastating situations, but I have a peace that runs deep in my soul. I know my God in a truly intimate way. As Isaiah 54 says, "I am your husband", so has the Lord become mine.

I sometimes ask God how people make it who do not know Him, or who merely know about Him, and He is quick to remind me that they don't "make it". They may give off all the noise of success, but in the end they end up bitter, broken and in bondage.

I have learned (by experience) to embrace suffering when it comes. I can only do this after many previous opportunities at handling impossible situations WITH God and His word as my bedrock. He is truly the strength of my life and my portion forever.

I have also learned that God's word is a living thing. Not only does He uses it to provide answers for those who trust it, He created everything we see and know by it. He truly upholds everything by the word of His power.

I continue to go forward because I am compelled to do so. The zeal of God consumes me, it burns within my soul. I can't go the way of most widows, but must trust and obey my unseen husband.

Selah.


Love never fails.

From Wife to Widow

I am not a morbid person, but I am at present acutely aware of a multitude of widows around me in these past few days. I've been a widow for nine days and it is still so surreal. My husband of 34 years died suddenly after a few days of suffering flu like symptoms followed by what I think was a massive coronary. I still have such vivid images in my mind of him slumping over on the sofa, of myself dragging him to the ground and performing chest compressions for 30 minutes while I waited for the EMT's to arrive. I remember calling 911 and yelling at the operator my address and the details of my situation. She directed me as calmly as she could and I did what she told me. I'm pretty sure my husband was gone immediately, but I wasn't going to sit and do nothing. I remember screaming at my husband, "You will live and not die and declare the works of the Lord." I used everything in my spiritual and physical arsenal to help him, but he saw the light and was gone.

I've talked to so many people that my husband ministered to throughout the southwest. Each person had a story to tell. They shared recollections of his about his earlier trip to heaven. In 1994 he had been electrocuted at a television transmitter building. With 19,660 volts and 600 amps of power coursing through his body, he was "cooked" in a matter of moments. I too remember his retelling of that fateful day. I also remember the days, weeks, months and years that followed his experience. He had to overcome many horrific symptoms in body after becoming a human conductor. When ministry would get to be too much, or when I felt myself losing faith I would ask him to retell the story. I lost count how many times he shared it with me. I always felt revived after he shared it. I fear now that I may have helped him "cross over" early by insisting he recount his experience. He mentioned heaven a lot in the past couple months. He also mentioned how hard it was to stay here. After he grew so ill I think he just gave up. He had said repeatedly, "If I see the light again, I will not come back."

Here I am left with all the responsibilities of ministry, a farm and home life without a man. I try not to be too occupied with all the pressures and work hard to hear God give me simple instructions. I take things slowly and prioritize constantly. I also lean hard on friends and family to get through the hardest of times. I have friends calling, visiting, messaging and writing. We have always been givers and God is sending a harvest of help as I focus on hearing and obeying Him in place of my lover of 34 years.

I'm not alone in my mourning. Our daughter and grandchildren are going through a kind of hell of their own. They are in shock as they remember a vital, strong man who took them to Disneyland in June and then spent a week playing with them the last week in August. We also have hundreds of friends and family members who are faced with their own mortality when they consider Jeff's strength and realize that at his end he was as frail as any human and just a man.

After the loss of our son 32 years ago I have some experience in mourning. I have never lost half of myself before so this is a whole new ball of nasty wax. I don't allow myself to fall over into depression, but I do allow myself to cry until my eyes hurt they are so swollen. When I sense it's time I face my husband's things and slowly sort through them as I distribute or throw them away. It's weird, but I almost feel guilty cleaning out his things. He doesn't need them, but they were his and we always honored each others' stuff and personal space. I've put a favorite picture of the two of us down where I am forced to see it. We were supposed to go to Fredericksburg, Texas for Octoberfest and that never happened. In the framed picture we are both wearing German costumes; me in my dirndl and and he in his lederhosen. It was taken by a kind stranger when we were in Fredericksburg last year.

I'm going to live, but I have much to go through in the days ahead. I'm embracing the sorrow that comes as I'm able. I talk to everyone pretty honestly. I'm a private person when it comes to the really hard parts of the mourning process. I spent my second night as a widow home alone. At first I was terrified, but I used the solitude to wail and expel sorrow like I've never seen or experienced before. I may do it again, but it was good to do it earlier. Otherwise I doubt I could have conducted his funeral.

I also know that when this is over and the worst of the suffering is done I will comfort other women who find themselves suddenly or not so suddenly alone. That's just how God works with me.

For now I blog. I have no idea who will read this or how it will impact the readers. I write for myself, but know it could very well get someone through a similar situation. God will see me through this all one step at a time. He's just that present for me and faithful to me. He is my husband now and He is doing an awesome job. I've seen many miracles in the midst of the sorrow and one day I shall add the list of them to this blog.

I'm so thankful I can express myself here and feel lightened in doing so.

Blessings as you read.

Cerise Welter

One Whole Week

I laid my husband to rest just two days ago after 34 years of being together. It is still surreal, but I'm still alive and that is something I never thought I'd say. I have such mixed emotions today. I'm SO happy he is no longer suffering in body. He had so many physical abnormalities he suffered after being electrocuted. The rest of the world never knew and some things he never shared with me. He was such a man of faith. He had walked in the river of life before and it took every bit of his faith and will power to stay here on planet earth afterwards. He would tell me that it was a continual struggle to keep from just going home. He even shared with his closest family in the Body of Christ that IF he ever saw the light again he would not come back. Again because he is no longer suffering I am blessed he went home. Of course I'm sad that I shall never feel his arms around me, I will never feel his tender kisses, his firm but loving correction, his honest laughter or a million other things we shared on a daily basis.

I have been surrounded by the love of my friends and the Body of Christ to see me through these early days of my widowhood. Calling myself a widow is also so surreal. I used to write a newsletter on my website called, "The Widow's Might". I always felt a sense of dread when I wrote it and prayed I would never know the sorrow of the woman left behind by her husband.

My husband was also a modern day apostle and did things that put him in harm's way on a regular basis. In the back of my mind there was always the knowledge that he might not come back from the places he went. Many of those he sought to evangelize feared and even hated him. He had been thrown in jail and threatened many times. He had been taken to places where his haters attempted to kill him, but they were never able to even harm a hair of his head. Each time he would return I would sigh a huge sigh of relief and breath again for another month. When he finally shook the dust from his feet the last time, I was hilariously happy because he was in "less" danger than he had been.

The physical weakness of his body was never very apparent to others, but I was normally pretty conscious of when he was in pain or when other symptoms would make his living a struggle. After having his body cooked from electrocution his ankles were fused, his knees were fused and his hips were affected. In the days immediately following that fateful day when he stuck his hand in 19,600 volts and 600 amps of electricity he suffered hallucinations and many other horrific things. We walked through each one a day at a time. He never would submit to modern medicine, but chose instead to go to the word of God for his answers. It saw him through 17 years of life and I am pretty sure he thought it would go that way this time as well. The only difference is that he was weary of the road and the sickness that came on him was devastating and sudden.

It has been a week since he slumped over on the sofa and I spent 30 minutes attempting to revive him using CPR. It's been a week since I screamed at him to "live and not die and declare the works of the Lord". It's been a week since I watched the EMT's take him away in an ambulance. It's been a week since the Sheriff's came and questioned me about his death. It's been a week since I went to the hospital to see his body still on the examining table. It's been a week since I called his mother and told her he was gone. It's been a week since our friends surrounded me with loving arms and wept in disbelief that this strong man was gone. It's been a week since the life I've known for so long was suddenly upended and changed.

I'm alive and breathing. I'm forcing myself to think about my life without him. I know I will go on but "Oh God" do I ache for things to be the way they were.

Today is the beginning of another week. I wonder where I will be in seven more days?

A Texas Kind of Gift

My daughter and I talk pretty regularly. Partly because we enjoy it, partly because we were pals when she was growing up. Neither one of us was born in Texas, but as the saying goes, "we got here as quick as we could". Her daughter wasn't born here either, but you wouldn't guess it by the way she thinks. I could go on and on, but instead I'll simply share a picture of a gift the five year old gave to her dad.





Nuff said?

We love a lot about Texas, but for me it's the simple way of living here and the friendly people. I'm glad my granddaughter is "Texas folk" and it shines through her by the little things she says and does.

Colored Passion

The word of the day "my day" seems to be passion, it has "popped" up several times and is speaking to me. The problem with my passion is that it encompasses so many things and narrowing it down is like choosing which color of the rainbow to omit. It simply can't be done. Perhaps one can focus without becoming so narrow in vision that important facets of the vision are neglected or removed.

It seems as if as long as I've lived someone has asked me to fit my desires and passion in his or her box. What always happens is that I box bits in small cubbies and then end up putting the boxes in other boxes. I just can't say no to this thing or that thing just because someone "thinks" I should.

Let's take for instance music. I live and love music. I don't like certain styles of music, but even within the (don't like) pile are small exceptions. I don't like confines. I play the accordion, but haven't had formal lessons. I love the free play method of music when it's allowed to flow from my spirit. I enjoy hearing a tune or melody and then figuring it out on a given instrument. I don't want to copy someone else, but love to share in their end product. I may put my spin on their songs, but I don't ever want to "steal" it by playing it exactly as they would.

The ONLY person I ever give complete permission to limit my life is God. He has the best perspective over my life, He is goodness, and I trust Him. If Abba says, "no" it's for my own good. Only He has the right to make any sort of demand on my life. I suppose if I am honest He colors my passion. He puts the violets in the rainbow of my desires. He paints the azures of my creativity! He even directs the symphony of my soul's deepest expressions. He is my greatest passion. Like the crazy man delivered by the Lord I hear His direction to me when I beg to follow Him: "Go your own way and tell them the great things God has done for you today". And so I shall!

Selah•


Cerise
Love never fails.

Saturday Evening Journeys

Who would have ever thought that folks would spend their Saturday evenings journeying across the world via the Internet? One can start in one's own living room and end up as far away as China just by doing a little computer surfing. Most of the time I find it more interesting that television because TV can be fake. Of course the stuff people post on the Internet can be faked as well, but even if it's faked the fact that someone personally takes the time to create something here and post it is interesting to me. I love taking a little time in the social network world and then perhaps check into a few blogs. I get a kick out reading other women's blogs no matter where they are. I can "sneak" into places where I might not be accepted normally. I can learn about worlds that were formerly unknown before. I've learned what "steam punk" is by being online. I am intrigued by those who do things differently than my regular "friends". Foreign culture is also very interesting as well. I'm careful not to let my spirit absorb trash, but to understand those so much different than myself gives me a door I wouldn't have otherwise.

This morning I spent a couple hours with a Ukrainian girl. She gave me a manicure and worked on her English as I worked on my Russian. We laughed and talked and also were quiet. We shared "chai" and I was sad when our time was up. She met her husband online via the Internet. She is growing her business and I'm one of her new customers. The Internet brought her from the other side of the world to Texas! How awesome is that?

I love this Saturday evening journey because I NEVER know where it's going to take me. Sure I have some routines I stick with, but I can just take a detour and voila I'm in another world. It's exciting to me and I look forward to where this journey will take me. It will give me more to write!

Bon voyage!

Autumn Morning

 How crisp the air, so pure and clean
How lovely is the dew's pure sheen
The trees are soon to shed their wear
And drop their garments from the air
Out come the sweaters, drapes and more
From mothball trunks and other stores
Good books we'll gather, mugs of brew
Cocoas, teas and coffees too
Around camp fires we huddle near
And sing and laugh of stories dear
We relish seconds and hold them close
For winter hovers dark and marose
Enjoy the pumpkin pie and apple
For soon with winter we shall grapple
Gather now around the table
For autumn soon will be unable
How crisp the air, so pure and clean
How lovely is the dew's pure sheen
Autumn sings so short her song
Enjoy the morning ere it's gone.

Domestic Goosebumps

There aren't many objects that thrill me or that can cause chills to run up and down my spine. I'm pretty careful not to let "things" be my center, but I do enjoy a couple of material things very much. One is vintage linens and the other is vintage aprons. What is it about an apron that can make me dewy eyed? I think it's all about childhood memories. My grandmother "ALWAYS" wore an apron. She wore hers in the kitchen, living room, bedrooms, dining room and even in the yard. She didn't wear one to church, but she carried one with her in the event she ended up in the kitchen. I also remember the feeling I got when I put my first apron on and was allowed to work with grandma to make boysenberry pie. I felt so important. It was different than any feeling I'd ever had before.

Knowing where you belong is so important to the human psyche. Not belonging is a funeral dirge to the soul. Having self worth and confidence as a young person helps one become a productive adult. No one ever made me feel quite as confident as my grandmother. I loved the special quiet times she and I would share. Even when my younger brother and I would go visit grandma and grandpa together, grandma made me feel like I was the center of her world. I never felt like she favored one of us over the other.

I digress. The apron was grandma's "badge" of authority in her home. My grandfather was clearly the head of the household, but grandma was the directing force in their home. Her practical thinking and gracious hospitality made her tiny home in Redwood City, California seem like a mansion to all who graced its doorstep. Grandma made it seem "wrong" to work in the house without an apron. Not that she'd ever actually said it was wrong, but the moment I walked in the kitchen and asked to help she "dressed" me for the job at hand. Her aprons had the smell of freshly hung laundry. They were always crisply ironed and never dirty. Each apron was a work of art. The outside edges were normally piped or surrounded with perfectly sewn bias tape borders. They had deep pockets and would cover my entire torso. They were also supremely feminine and I longed to own one for myself.

My beloved grandmother now graces the portals of heaven with her presence. I miss her dearly when I think about her. My little sister confessed she misses her more having spent more time with her before she passed onto heaven. I understand her loss.

It wasn't long after marrying and starting my own home that I began to notice aprons again. I saw them in the department stores and in specialty stores, but they were NEVER as pretty as grandma's. I love spending time in antique and second hand stores. Being my grandmother's granddaughter, my frugal nature had me shopping for household needs in such stores. It was there I began noticing vintage aprons much in the style of my grandmothers. I bought one and then another, and then another. I know I have several up in my attic. I have a couple in one of our homes and a couple in our tiny farmhouse. No kitchen is complete without an apron! No housewife is properly dressed without one.

I am just as tempted by vintage aprons as I was the first time I discovered someone had foolishly or "accidentally" let go of hers at an antique store. I can get goosebumps today just by trying them on. I honestly believe I was born about 100 years too early. In my youth I served as a docent in a historical museum. I was blessed to work during "Living History Days" several years in a row. We churned butter, made sour dough bread, pressed apples in a cider press, ground corn for masa and hand quilted a pieced quilt top on a quilting frame. The whole affair made me yearn for harder and simpler times. Museums focusing on pioneer times are full of old domestic goods. These all make me drool and imagine earlier days filled with housewives doing their domestic duties. It's all so far removed from the world we live in now, but not so far from my heart. I think I'll get busy and make a scaled down apron for my precious little granddaughter and continue the tradition. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Way Too Much Fun

I got home yesterday afternoon from one of the funnest activities I've ever participated in. I attended the "Tim Holtz Extravaganza" in Roswell, New Mexico. "Imagine That Scrapbook Store" hosted the event and I'm still surprised Tim agreed to visit little Rosberg! Having lived there for twelve years I'm familiar with the sleepy little town.




The event was kicked off by the mayor as he presented Tim with the key to the city and proclaimed August 26th 2011 "Tim Holtz Extravaganza Day".

We got right to "work" at creating shortly after the hoopla, and didn't slow down the entire two days. Tim filled the two days with so many projects it felt like bootcamp by the end of the evening Saturday night.



There were forty happy women who were blessed to attend the two day marathon and I'm sure not one left unhappy after all the creative fun.


Tim is not the least bit haughty. A sweet spirited young man. Along with his helper/partner Mario Rossi we were well attended to. We came home with so many projects and Ranger and Tim Holtz products we should be busy for months creating and remembering the fun!


What a blast! I'm not sure if I'll get to attend another Tim Holtz workshop, but for all who get the opportunity I recommend you do what you can to attend!

Love never fails.

Three More Days

I don't normally count down to special days. I stopped doing that a while ago (except for vacations with hubby and cruises), but I am looking forward to my next road trip and "girl's days out" with my friend Vicky. I have to blame Vicky for this whole thing. I was an innocent bystander until she introduced me to the altered art stylings of Mr. Tim Holtz. Now I find myself quite happily enjoying everything he does and copying a lot of his style when I create.

My little sister got me hooked on scrapbooking. Actually I've been hooked on it for years, but never allowed myself the luxury of partaking in the hobby. I knew if I ever started it could be a time consuming, thought provoking, art expressing thing and anything that involves those three things has my full attention. My sister sent me an adorable scrapbook that set fire to the totally dry kindling of this passion. The little spark she sent my way caused a huge bonfire and I don't see too many signs of it cooling soon.

Three appears to be the number of the day for me. In three long or short, depending upon one's outlook, I will be on my way with Vicky to Rosberg, NM (My name for Roswell) to attend a two day seminar/workshop instructed by the a fore mentioned Timothy Holtz. We will be learning techniques and using a lot of the Ranger Ink products he promotes. We will also be in one of my all time favorite haunts; Imagine That Scrapbooking store!!! Yay! I've been saving my Visa Gift cards for this event and am basically on pins and needles waiting for the time to pass.

For now I'm filling my time with what else but scrapbooking. Our grandmunchkins came for another week's stay and we scrapped our trip to Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. Zee and Zip each went home with their own photo album and their own scrapbook. We took well over 600 pictures and that meant we could pick the best of the best to CROP.

I'm still quite a novice to the whole scrapbooking thing, but I'm a weathered veteran to crafting. I love using all my other craft skills along side of my scrapbook work. Whether embroidery, painting, drawing, or a myriad of other gifts I love blending them in the pages of our memories.  Soon I'll be able to add this latest adventure to my scrap arsenal. I never thought I'd long to go to Roswell after living there for 12+ years, but I do. I get to spend time with a dear old friend. Play with a new friend and learn from a skilled artisan. What more could a girl ask for? I know a cruise with hubby on one of Tim Holtz's altered art cruises! That HAS to be next.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

I constantly see my farm animals stretch, but they pretty much do it because they are either growing or age is causing them some pain. Here I am in my fifties and the Lord and situations around me are causing me to stretch. I guess if I compare one sort of stretching to another, I too follow suit with my critters. God is causing me to grow and situations cause pain which makes me stretch as well. 

Today I'm considering the stretching I'm going to have to do because my grandkids are coming for a week. I love them and we have a blast together, but their youth makes them a lot more active than I'm accustomed to participating in. It's just a week before school starts and gpa and gma are going to take the munchkins on a shopping spree for school clothes and backpacks. Los abuelitos already purchased all their school supplies (sans facial tissues). Grandkids don't typically enjoy naps, so gma will have to be creative in filling time slots with things they enjoy while she steals forty winks (fifty if she can finagle it). 

New technology is causing me to stretch as well. I've managed my personal website: http://www.proverbialwoman.com for ten years with Microsoft Frontpage. Now I'm on a new laptop and have to use something else. I've been experimenting with another program, but my old favorite was a whole lot more intuitive and I miss it dreadfully. I'm half tempted to just use the old laptop for the managing of my website, but I know that is simply putting off the inevitable. STRETCH!!!

I've heard the old boring cliche, "No pain, no gain" until I'd like to put it's author on the rack for a week or so and help him gain a whole lot of pain. Ok, so I really couldn't do that. Talk about stretching the truth.

I've also come to the conclusion that my chosen line of business isn't profitable and with the economy in shambles, folks aren't interested in the superfluous nature of scrapbooking in the retail persuasion. I know we're all going to have to be more creative in our finding and using our resources in the days ahead. So I'm rethinking the way I approach my girlfriends. Saving and recycling will be the way of our future. STRETCH.

I have been studying goal setting and achieving and I've been avoiding DOING the steps it takes to achieve a couple of my goals; lose 50 pounds and learn Chinese. One goal is a personal health goal and the other is a spiritual goal. I've done little to achieve either. Ignoring them sure won't help me achieve them and spitting tiny pathetic efforts is mediocrity and I won't put up with that in myself. So STRETCH is on the agenda. My first step toward both is to set a deadline. I believe a year for the 50 pounds and 2 years to be able to carry on basic introductory conversation in Chinese is acceptable. So there, I did it. I put the deadline out there for me to see and for the world to see. The world will do little but mock me as I head towards the goal, but being accountable is one of the steps in achieving goals. And to think I actually bought the books that laid out the steps towards goal setting. I could have procrastinated the whole thing forever had I just let it go, but that just isn't my way. STRETCH.

Can we all say, "OUCH". Time to break up both goals into bite sized pieces. Why did I use a cliche involving food? No time like the present to address that question, but for now I need to think about averaging 2 pounds of fat loss per week. STRETCH and bend and STRETCH and bend.

Neurosis of the Lily Livered Chicken

I have had chickens now for about two years and everyday I learn something new about them. Chickens do better when they have moms is a biggie as far as lessons go. I have one hen we call a torpedo chicken because of her shape. Her name is Azzie and she's very neurotic. She runs away from other chickens, but lays down for the rooster and smashes herself to the ground when danger is near. She showed up on our farm one day with no mom and I put her in a cage for her own protection. My belief is that this caused her to be even weirder than most chickens. She has five absolutely normal offspring, but she runs in terror from them now that they are almost grown. She is Rhode Island Red by appearance, but her long shape causes me to believe she has something else in her DNA.

Chickens have weird behaviors. When a chicken finds a bug or is given a treat of some sort they make a weird noise that lets all the others know they have something special. It sounds like they are bragging and rather than keeping hungry pecking competitors away, it draws them. Oddly though they all do it so I guess it balances life out for them. I tend to throw tomatoes out for my hens and when I do I am greeted with a chorus of silly hens announcing their goodies as they run off to eat their prizes in solitude. They never get to eat in solitude because all the other hens follow the noise. They are smart enough to recognize bragging, but not smart enough to suppress the urge to cackle with delight.

I have one hen that isn't afraid of anything. I've seen her attack a skunk that was killing her chick and almost destroy and devour a dove that was competing for food in the chick nursery. One day I will chronicle all the weird behaviors I've witnessed. For now I guess I should go check their water and food.

Cerise

Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road!

When I was a teenager there was a song with this title. I remember singing it with my friends as we drove around an old race course in Montana. Tonight I'd really like to see a dead skunk in the middle of my driveway. Last night it killed one of my baby Auracauna chicks and tonight it got another. I now only have one baby chick left and I plan to protect my last baby. 

Around 4:20AM this morning I heard a horrific screaming sound. It was a sound I had never heard before. It woke me from a very sound sleep. I made myself get up and investigate. When I got outside I saw my black cat "Freckles" corralling two baby chicks out of the carport. I thought SHE had eaten the missing chick and was going after the last two. I was very angry to say the least. I locked her up in the house all day and refused to give into her pleas. I couldn't decide if she had done the dirty deed or she was the heroine of the moment, but I wasn't taking any chances. 

Well tonight I was working on my laptop doing business and I heard that horrible screaming sound. I raced outside to hear my mama chicken attacking a skunk and then saw the skunk licking the blood from the head of the chick it was killing. I freaked out. Hubby wasn't around to help so I was on my own. I ran in the house and grabbed the shotgun in its case and opened it. I blanked out. I couldn't remember a thing about how to load and fire it. I grabbed the 22 and the same helpless feeling came over me. I simply froze and couldn't remember a thing about using them. I'm sure that happens to more people that care to admit it. I returned to the carport to hear the last baby chick chirping and mama chicken having a conniption fit. The skunk was nowhere to be seen. Yay for that little bit of revelation. My next thought was the neighbor. He had caught a skunk in his live trap and my live trap was standing against the wall. I recovered the dead chick and called the neighbor as I had NO idea how to set the trap. He came over, threw the dead bird in the cage and set the trap. He told me he'd been averaging a skunk a week. I remember seeing one trapped in his live trap in the front yard of his property. The animal control guy came and disposed of it. 

I hate the death part of farm living. I realize skunks have to live, but I'd rather they eat eggs as opposed to my baby chicks. 

I then decided that mama and baby needed to be in a safer location so I escorted them with my broom into my wash house for the night. Mama was not a bit happy with the process, but settled down immediately once she knew it was a safe location. With a few puppy pads on the floor, some food and water and a quiet corner she can remain in my "witness protection" safe house until I clean our small hen house and prep it for her. I have another mama hen and single baby in the big hen house. I think they will be joining Miss Princess and her baby in the house with a fence and netting over it. No more skunks dining on my babies. 

Dead skunk in the middle of the road and it's stinking to high heaven...now how did the rest of the song go?  I will be singing my own rendition soon.

In Denial

I totally refuse to let my head know that is could be Monday. I don't want it to be Monday. Not that Monday is much different from the other days of the week, but today I don't care. I want it to be Sunday Part II. Hey we put up with movies Part II and they are rarely worth the film they are printed on. Sunday is NEVER long enough for most of us. So I've summarily decided that I'm going to extend my Sunday into its sequel and have a really great day.

My daughter posted that she didn't want any drama today. Sundays are rarely dramatic, so perhaps she should enjoy Sunday Part deux as well! We could really make life more enjoyable if ALL of us would participate in this new thing. Less commuting for millions of people! Less stress! Fewer people experiencing "road rage"! Hey, fewer postal workers going postal! We'd all start the week with a better outlook knowing that rather than 24 hours of peace we'd be expecting 48 hours.

I'm not sure it will catch on, but I've decided to make a go of it. Let's all start by saying, "Hope you have a great Sunday" to someone grouchy. If they look at you funny, just smile and walk on knowing you're going to have a better day than most of the 6 billion+ people on the planet. If we pass the word on via FB or Tweeter or one of the many other social networking channels we might be able to dump Monday entirely. I think it's worth a try.

"Hey, hope you're having a beautiful Sunday Part II too!"

Happy Camper Chicky Mama

My mama Auracauna has many voices and many postures that tickle me. She has four baby chicks and she is one fired up grizzly mama when anyone (including me) comes too close. Yesterday I heard a new sound come from her. It was a happy sound, much like the sound a two year old makes when you give him an ice cream cone. What caused this new song to exude from "Princess"? Chopped up corn tortillas. I had taken two corn tortillas and chopped them as fine as I possibly could. When I put them in front of her and her beebers she chattered with delight. I wanted to see if it was a one time fluke, so this morning I repeated me experiment. I chopped up tortillas and put a handful down in front of her and her tiny quartet. Voila, she made that same happy camper chattery sound! She actually sounds like she's feeling sneaky. I don't have the heart to tell her I gave chopped tortillas to all the hens. She doesn't need to know. She feels sneaky and special and every new mom needs that from time to time.

On another note, my poor cat Freckles, better known as Frek is making doleful noises these days. We forbid her from going outside for the same reason "Princess" needs spoiled. Frek is one awesome huntress. A baby chick would be too big a temptation for her. They are easy pickens. It's obvious to me that Frek is housebound by the number of doves that are congregating around the chicken feeders. Enjoy it while you can birds, once the chicks are a little bigger you will be easy prey for my hunting starved black panther of a kitten.

There is a good side to Frek being stuck indoors. She is so clean and looks so healthy. She's mad as a wet hen (my hens like to wet themselves, but not have you wet them). Frek is doing her best to adjust, but she does send lamenting cries out when she thinks she might get to go out. Poor gal. Soon baby, soon.


Cerise

Teensy Tiny Lives

It's day two of living for our new
baby chicks. It's so inspiring and hope building when new babies arrive on our farm. Princess is my favorite hen and this is her second time to go "broody" and hatch out a clutch of little ones. This time the chicks were all out if green eggs so they will be more like her than her last bunch. She sat on a bunch of Rhode Island Red eggs last time. This time they will be half Auracauna and half Red as our rooster is a Red.

God sends life in the midst od sorrow, suffering and death. Yesterday I saw an infant girl in a grocery cart smiling from ear to ear. After hearing so much bad news on the TV earlier in the day I felt a smidgen of jealousy that the little girl was so oblivious to the junk in the world. I am not jealous now because I've lived so much of my life already and she has to grow up in such dark times.

It's nice to have new life show up from time to time. The cycle of life seems unending and well within the hands of Abba. I am thankful for that. For that reason I will work just that much harder at being optimistic about what God has in store for His children. "If God be for me who can be against me?"





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Kit Kats, Pretzels and Lemondade

Have you ever worked so hard that your brain acted like thoughts were completely foreign to it? Right now all I can do is sit here, munch on the above mentioned junk food and wait for inspiration. I'm in a house turned upside down. We had a flood a couple of weeks ago, and what is normally a nice and tidy space where I can come and create, is now a crowded and cluttered uninspiring mess.

I spent my morning at the local big box DIY store getting our written estimate for the repair of this "mess of a house" redone. Instead of calling our bathroom "the master bathroom" on the estimate they labeled it "the laundry room". How many laundry rooms have no washer and dryer, a toilet, a shower, a garden tub and a fifteen foot vanity with a fifteen foot mirror over it? So I got that done after two hours of joking with the guy in the flooring department. We were waiting for the service guy that came and measured my "master bath" turned laundry room to call and give us some figures. He never did call. The guy in flooring finally used his brain and past estimates and came up with some totals for me. He changed the estimate and I left! It was pleasant, but in my estimation a complete waste of one hour and forty five minutes. It shouldn't take that long to get such a simple job done.

Lunch was next. I had my standard Wednesday fare; a chicken taco salad and a non-alcoholic pina colada! Yummo. It was so relaxing. I have no idea why. I haven't done a thing I set out or needed to do today. Ok, so I made my bed and ate breakfast, got dressed and fed the chickens, ducks and goats. I watered the pecan and apple trees and then turned the watering over to hubby. (The veggie garden needed a good soaking.) I didn't even make it to my bank with my little deposit. So much for making "to do" lists. Today that list was simply a practice in futility. Ok, so I have tomorrow's "to do" list already done. Shift and touch your toes, you're going to get flexible whether you want to or not.

The good news is that all the estimates are in. I can now fax them to our insurance adjuster and get the process going. I need this house. I have all sorts of things scheduled in the future that require the use of neat spaces and not everything from the other room crammed in them spaces. Maybe that's what's going on in my head? I have too much to do, not enough time, and my brain is like me and doesn't function well in a mess. Could be?!?

Well, my Kit Kat is gone, there is nothing left in my pretzel bowl but a salty skiff and my lemonade is slowly being sipped away as I finish these few words that are fighting to be squeezed from my overworked and overcrowded cerebral space. My gray matter is balking and has chosen to be very black and white today. I can almost hear it saying, "I'm not working and there's nothing you can do about it." I can't say it isn't completely on strike. I think it's quite adept at being sarcastic and non-compliant. Both of those require work. So "Nanny nanny boo boo" brain. You're working whether you want to admit it or not.

Enchante my dear readers and may you all have a productive tomorrow. I'm hoping I will. Bon jour.

Black and Pink

Do you ever wake up and just feel "bruised" all over? You look at your body and there are really no signs of abuse, but you feel worn out in body and soul? I have to deal with that on a regular basis. Why? Because I'm over 50 and every day that passes draws me closer to 60. I'm in good spirits however because it's a sunny day, God loves me no matter what and I make myself crawl out of the "ouchy" place I was in.

Why is it that we get so excited with sensory overload? I was driving down our sandy road headed to the other house when I realized how silly I was. I walked down the Main Street in Disneyland just two short weeks ago and was so thrilled to be there. It was a sensory overload to be there. Our grandkids were with us and their excitement was so contagious. We walked, we laughed, we danced and played but what was the big difference between Disney's main drag and my dirt road? Color, organization and texture were the main differences. There is color on my street, there is organization and there is a LOT of texture on our lonely caliche road. Just add some sound, wait there is sound on my road. It all boils down to a different place with music and sensory overload bombarding our souls. If I were stuck in Disneyland it would end up being a monotonous nightmare of a ride. Could I survive if stuck there? I believe so. Why? Because God created us with the ability to adapt to our surroundings.

Life is an amusement park ride. I should have said life on this side of eternity is an amusement park ride. We look for moments of peace, moments of excitement, moments of rest, but it all boils down to the body and mind and how they relate to given stimuli.

I remember hearing a preacher tell of his childhood. He told us how he would get so excited when his dad would take him fishing. He'd go to bed with his clothes on so he wouldn't miss a moment of the time. He also told us that the same dad he loved to go fishing with would tell him, "We're going to clean up the yard in the morning" and he would stall and drag it out as the worst thing ever. His father has long since passed from the face of the planet and he longs for the days when his dad would say, "Let's clean out the garage tomorrow."

So today when I'm washing my laundry and doing routine and mundane tasks I shall think of Disneyland and instead of ending up black and blue, I will be black and PINK! "It's all in how you look at it", said the Mad Hatter to the March Hare.