In the Valley

I'm just one woman in the midst of a multitude of women who are suffering through the loss of their husbands. I used to get glimpses of what it might be like and I'd run from them. Now I have to face the fact that I'm separated from half my flesh and I must be willing to let God heal me through this painful place. In the valley my faith is tried. In this valley I have had to face really hard things. In this valley I've had to be willing to do this thing far more slowly than I'd like. I am not a novice so there is no running in the valley. I know that Miss Patience is waiting in the wings. She is willing to do her perfecting work if I am willing to allow her. In the end I will come out fully equipped to do a job I'm unfamiliar with. I want to run to a familiar place, but I find they are all gone. He's gone and I'm aching for his ears to hear, his hand to hold, his frown to correct me, his wisdom to direct me, it's all gone.

I'm amazed at each time when God meets me personally and comforts me. I know that in the valley of the shadow of death God is the closest to me. He is really with me in trouble. I've learned through experience that when I'm at the hardest places God not only is with me, but He upholds me. He has promised me intimacy if I will let Him be my husband. I'm not sure what it means to let Him be my husband. It isn't easy, but it's where I am right now.

I really would like to scream and throw a thousand temper tantrums today, but I know that all that does is give me a headache. I want to be productive, but I find myself struggling at the tiniest jobs. Then I get busy like a house a fire and run through lists of chores only to falter and land flat on my face. My knees are skinned, my hands are skinned, my face is bruised and my heart is broken. My life is in transition and the change is hard. I'm not the first woman to go through this so why do I feel so alone in it? I'm not enjoying the intimacy with my own feelings. I'm "too" in touch with the pain. I'm "too" in touch with the loss. I'm just "too".

I've lost a son. This is different, so different. I've lost dreams and hopes, but again this is different.

I thank God for allowing me to have so many friends. They call, they visit, they listen, they fill the air with words to give my mind a place of rest. But my best friend is gone. He's in heaven enjoying the presence of the Father and the ruling Lord and Savior, our Messiah Yeshua/Jesus. Can I just smack him? No. I wouldn't if I could. Can I call him back? No, that too I wouldn't do. I must get through this valley. God will see me through this valley.

How many tears can I cry? Is there no bottom to this well? How much pain can I endure? Will I find my way? Will I live again? Will I love again? What does God want of me? For now I'm in the valley. I'm looking for the mountain tops again. The place where I can find joy unspeakable and full of His glory. I will get my eyes off of me and put them where the peace that passes understanding can settle my heart. He will keep me in that perfect peace IF I stay, keep, hold my heart on Him. In the valley.