Expression of the Heart of God

Expression of the Heart of God

It's weird how changes occur. Much like the hidden changes that a caterpillar goes through within a cocoon, so are the changes I've gone through in my 54 years. We start out naive and innocent just living like little children and then we are subjected to the pressures of the world. For those of us who have been chosen of God and have returned the affections, we must choose to walk as little children in spite of the affects and effects all we experience have had on us.

One of the changes I've begun to see is that I want to express God's heart in my artsier side. I want others to see how much God loved me through abuses I suffered as a child. How He was with me though He chose not to keep me from the hurt. He was not only present for me, but was long suffering (and wanted me also to become long suffering) for those who were trapped in bondage to an unseen enemy. God is so patient. He could easily have withdrawn the breath of those who hurt me, but had He where would His mercy have been. Some who were cruel to me chose to turn from those wicked ways, others did not. In it all I have been strengthened to love stronger and have a heart of mercy for those who are in such dark bound places.

How does one describe the grace that sees you through the death of children and a spouse. I mention  that I lost a son many years ago and people suck air in surprise. The memory holds no pain for me. Why? Because once again God was with me through it all. He walked me through the shock of finding him dead in his bed. He walked me through the death of dreams, expectations and disappointment. He assured me through His unchanging word that my little boy was in heaven waiting for me. He couldn't come to me, but I most assuredly could go to him. So I moved on.

Now God walks me through the death and absence of my precious husband. Thirty four years is a long time to spend with one person. We finished each other's thoughts and were very much in tune with one another. His end was a dramatic as his life. He lived on the edge up until his departure. He was generous, loving and loved to speak grace to the Body of Christ. He lived an amazing life and I miss him more than words on pages can tell. When I think I can't go on, God graciously shows Himself a worthy if not even more perfect partner. In the natural I would prefer to have Jeff back here with me, but in the spirit I am finding the peace I need to go on and do God's will in my life. I'm not in heaven, but I want days of heaven upon the earth I live on.

God is a good Father. He makes all other fathers pale in comparison. He has been given a bad reputation by those who don't know Him, but I'm learning to know Him in the most personal of ways. He has said He would be my husband and has even presented me with a silver ring. I have struggled with this ring, but I wear it and thank God for His patience as I learn to do so without regret and without flinching at its meaning.

I hope my words have painted a picture of my present heart. It's in healing, it's in renovation at present, but it's on it's way to a full recovery. Why? Again, because God is good and always here with me.

Selah