My life is changing in so many ways I can't even note them all. This is odd because I'm a list maker and I'm not even the least bit interested in putting together a list of the changes. I feel like a caterpillar that is strangely drawn to wrap herself up in a chrysalis and withdraw while the metamorphosis takes place.
The privacy of my chrysalis allows me to face the tearing away of the flesh and soul of my beloved husband. It allows me a safe covering from the onslaught of worldly events I seem to be totally sequestered from.
I sense new things are coming out of the transformation I'm undergoing. Some of my friends are closer than ever before. Some have chosen to step away from the strange manifestations they see happening in my life.
The idea that I shall be a completely different person when the time for my emergence begins is surreal. I never anticipated the way my husband left. I had imagined he would die a different martyr's death many times. For him to die in my arms never crossed my mind. Never.
So as I stretch in my chrysalis and new things come to light in the small fissures that are appearing in my shelter, I anticipate the woman I will be. I look forward to the healing of my heart and soul. I delight in the new opportunities I will encounter. I will be a totally different creature when this is all over.
- love never fails.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Crossing out the Farmer?
Two men are coming for one of my last two goats this morning. Soon all my chickens will be transported to their home and I'll be very close to freedom from the responsibilities of caring for farm animals. I will still own a small farm, but I'll only have a cat and a dog. It will be weird, but everything about my life recently has been weird. No animals and no husband. Both seem VERY weird to me. A good friend of mine told me that "abnormal" would become my new normal. This was in reference to widowhood. She was so right on. Her mom has buried three husbands and will more than likely bury her fourth. I don't think I could do widowhood that many times.
Today it's overcast with a slight promise of rain. I feel like that more often than I care to admit. I'm an optimistic, but wary person. I have hope for all, but am also in touch with the realities of life. I consider myself balanced, but I have my off days when I have to cling to God and cry out for grace and mercy. I don't cry nearly as often as I did when Jeff first died. It still sneaks up on me from time to time, but I'm better and better all the time as well.
I am in love with my friends right now. So many have filled in the voids that were left at my husband's death. I know I can call them and they have been so gracious to call me intermittently and check on me. Some bring groceries, some even brought food for my goats and chickens. I've made so many new friends as well. The guys coming to get my goats are friends now. My neighbors have become very close and I'm even looking forward to barbecues and get togethers where we play our instruments and sing. I'm looking forward to living again and I'm actually enjoying the journey again. I think I might live after all.
I'm learning that all the ups and downs I've experienced are VERY normal in mourning. I mourned when my baby son died of SIDS, but it was nothing compared to losing Jeff. He was my buddy, my confidant, my lover and the one who could get under my skin faster than a cheetah after a gazelle.
Now I'm moving on in so many ways. I do some things the same way I did when he was here, but I also do so many other things so differently I surprise myself. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm much stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I'm working at compassion in much bigger ways. I know how much I need it right now, so I'm sowing it with the grouchy and nasty people of the world.
Life goes on. Folks bury folks all the time. Folks are abandoned all the time. Folks are betrayed all the time. It's all about what you do with the situation at hand. It's all about how your respond to the circumstances. I'm choosing to press into God, His word and His will for my life. For now I am a "retired farmer". I can live with that. I know that my beloved animals have a better chance of getting fed where they are. I know I won't have to lug home bales of alfalfa because the field in my acreage is empty. There are many advantages to being a "retired farmer". I was mostly a petting "zoo" operator. I don't like eggs so I mostly gave them away. My goats were pets and we only butchered one of them. I ate some tasty goat, but gave 90% of it to a friend who helped me with some plumbing.
I guess I can't really cross out the "farmer" in my title above. I'll leave it for now knowing that I WAS once a farmer and it forever changed the woman I was into who I am today.
Reese
Today it's overcast with a slight promise of rain. I feel like that more often than I care to admit. I'm an optimistic, but wary person. I have hope for all, but am also in touch with the realities of life. I consider myself balanced, but I have my off days when I have to cling to God and cry out for grace and mercy. I don't cry nearly as often as I did when Jeff first died. It still sneaks up on me from time to time, but I'm better and better all the time as well.
I am in love with my friends right now. So many have filled in the voids that were left at my husband's death. I know I can call them and they have been so gracious to call me intermittently and check on me. Some bring groceries, some even brought food for my goats and chickens. I've made so many new friends as well. The guys coming to get my goats are friends now. My neighbors have become very close and I'm even looking forward to barbecues and get togethers where we play our instruments and sing. I'm looking forward to living again and I'm actually enjoying the journey again. I think I might live after all.
I'm learning that all the ups and downs I've experienced are VERY normal in mourning. I mourned when my baby son died of SIDS, but it was nothing compared to losing Jeff. He was my buddy, my confidant, my lover and the one who could get under my skin faster than a cheetah after a gazelle.
Now I'm moving on in so many ways. I do some things the same way I did when he was here, but I also do so many other things so differently I surprise myself. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm much stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I'm working at compassion in much bigger ways. I know how much I need it right now, so I'm sowing it with the grouchy and nasty people of the world.
Life goes on. Folks bury folks all the time. Folks are abandoned all the time. Folks are betrayed all the time. It's all about what you do with the situation at hand. It's all about how your respond to the circumstances. I'm choosing to press into God, His word and His will for my life. For now I am a "retired farmer". I can live with that. I know that my beloved animals have a better chance of getting fed where they are. I know I won't have to lug home bales of alfalfa because the field in my acreage is empty. There are many advantages to being a "retired farmer". I was mostly a petting "zoo" operator. I don't like eggs so I mostly gave them away. My goats were pets and we only butchered one of them. I ate some tasty goat, but gave 90% of it to a friend who helped me with some plumbing.
I guess I can't really cross out the "farmer" in my title above. I'll leave it for now knowing that I WAS once a farmer and it forever changed the woman I was into who I am today.
Reese
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I'm Back, Well Sort Of
Have you ever been lead on a solitary journey into a wilderness you would rather have skipped? I'm feeling rather ambiguous about the one I just finished. Of course feelings are very often ambiguous, I've learned many times the hard way. In all actuality I may still be in the wilderness and may still be on the journey? Again ambiguity seems to be the word of my day.
My husband has been gone for close to five months now. The moments of insanity are further apart all the time. The stabbing pain in my gut when I see his picture has become a dull ache and I find myself a little less devastated at his absence.
Along with the shock, numbness and anger that comes with widowhood come a few other unwanted visitors such as fear and helplessness. I've come to the conclusion that the devil himself orchestrates much of what surrounds the mourning process. I'm also quite confident that Abba Father trumps his direction with angels and the Comforter on a regular basis!
Women have become widows all throughout history, but it is a new journey for each and every one of them. No two paths are identical, but they share enough in common to cause a strange sort of "sisterhood" amongst its ranks. I discovered along my path many of the commonalities we share. I'm a proactive kind of person so I went searching out anyone I knew personally who was widowed. Our numbers are bigger than I could have ever guessed! We enjoy each others company and camaraderie. Those who have been in the sisterhood the longest are quick to share their testimonials and helpful advice. We are a group of ants about to take on a Goliath of a grasshopper and chase him to kingdom come!
I've been blessed by so many people on this early part of my journey. It seems that whether widowed or not, folks know that losing a spouse is devastating and go far to help those in this fragile state of being. Of course there are also others who are equally willing to take advantage of the woman whose earthly covering has left her unattended. Sadly I've had my share of this sort of people as well. I've learned to forgive quickly and just move on.
The weirdest surprise I've had is folks who disown you once their "friend" in your husband is gone. I understand the concept of the "third wheel", but not when you've been part of every holiday and birthday of their children and other integral facets of their lives. It showed me how little I knew some of the people I called friends. It has caused me to be less blind to things I had previously purposely ignored. Again a quick forgive and move on has been requisite.
Thankfully for each bump I've encountered on my short but obstacle packed trip have been wonderful friends. The calls and cards come just when I need them. God has graced me with some precious sisters in the faith. The "blood" between us causes us to be bound eternally and seemingly makes us extra connected in multitudinous ways. Hallelujah!
I have more road ahead of me so I'd better close for now. I'm not sure of my destination or when this phase of the journey will be complete. For some reason (oh yeah God) I'm a strong woman and I always come up on top like the proverbial cream on the milk jug. I give my heavenly Father all the credit for any successes I've had. I sure didn't have the strength in myself to survive these past five months. I give Him the credit for all the successes I shall have in the days, weeks and months ahead of me. I know that once again I shall me leaning on Him for my very breath, so I might as well start my thank yous early.
For all my girlfriends and sisters in Christ, and I do mean ALL if you I owe my love and gratitude as well. I know you've been praying if you haven't been in attendance physically. I understand your individual circumstances and situations. I can also tell that prayers have gone up for me. I love and need you more than you will ever know.
Que Kleenex commercial because that paragraph started the incessant waterworks. I really do need each person that God has sent my way. Thanks, hugs and all my love.
Cerise
- love never fails.
My husband has been gone for close to five months now. The moments of insanity are further apart all the time. The stabbing pain in my gut when I see his picture has become a dull ache and I find myself a little less devastated at his absence.
Along with the shock, numbness and anger that comes with widowhood come a few other unwanted visitors such as fear and helplessness. I've come to the conclusion that the devil himself orchestrates much of what surrounds the mourning process. I'm also quite confident that Abba Father trumps his direction with angels and the Comforter on a regular basis!
Women have become widows all throughout history, but it is a new journey for each and every one of them. No two paths are identical, but they share enough in common to cause a strange sort of "sisterhood" amongst its ranks. I discovered along my path many of the commonalities we share. I'm a proactive kind of person so I went searching out anyone I knew personally who was widowed. Our numbers are bigger than I could have ever guessed! We enjoy each others company and camaraderie. Those who have been in the sisterhood the longest are quick to share their testimonials and helpful advice. We are a group of ants about to take on a Goliath of a grasshopper and chase him to kingdom come!
I've been blessed by so many people on this early part of my journey. It seems that whether widowed or not, folks know that losing a spouse is devastating and go far to help those in this fragile state of being. Of course there are also others who are equally willing to take advantage of the woman whose earthly covering has left her unattended. Sadly I've had my share of this sort of people as well. I've learned to forgive quickly and just move on.
The weirdest surprise I've had is folks who disown you once their "friend" in your husband is gone. I understand the concept of the "third wheel", but not when you've been part of every holiday and birthday of their children and other integral facets of their lives. It showed me how little I knew some of the people I called friends. It has caused me to be less blind to things I had previously purposely ignored. Again a quick forgive and move on has been requisite.
Thankfully for each bump I've encountered on my short but obstacle packed trip have been wonderful friends. The calls and cards come just when I need them. God has graced me with some precious sisters in the faith. The "blood" between us causes us to be bound eternally and seemingly makes us extra connected in multitudinous ways. Hallelujah!
I have more road ahead of me so I'd better close for now. I'm not sure of my destination or when this phase of the journey will be complete. For some reason (oh yeah God) I'm a strong woman and I always come up on top like the proverbial cream on the milk jug. I give my heavenly Father all the credit for any successes I've had. I sure didn't have the strength in myself to survive these past five months. I give Him the credit for all the successes I shall have in the days, weeks and months ahead of me. I know that once again I shall me leaning on Him for my very breath, so I might as well start my thank yous early.
For all my girlfriends and sisters in Christ, and I do mean ALL if you I owe my love and gratitude as well. I know you've been praying if you haven't been in attendance physically. I understand your individual circumstances and situations. I can also tell that prayers have gone up for me. I love and need you more than you will ever know.
Que Kleenex commercial because that paragraph started the incessant waterworks. I really do need each person that God has sent my way. Thanks, hugs and all my love.
Cerise
- love never fails.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Finding Me
After 34 years of marriage I had lost myself in my husband. I think it's supposed to be that way, but then when one is basically ripped in half and must rediscover herself it's an eye opener. I had no idea that one day I would have to figure out who I was, all by myself.
It's weird but my pantry looks different, my walls are changing, my wardrobe is the same, but how I dress is not. The things I think about don't get bounced off of a man anymore, and I'm learning to live the woman in the mirror.
How many girls marry right out of school? How many girls go from their parent's home to the marriage bed never really knowing who they are? I was one of those. I had a strong personality and ideas, but both were formed by the standards and ideas of my patents. Then I entered into a committed life with my husband and again someone else dictated much of what I thought was right.
Now I'm taking stock of my life and it's a little weird to work at finding out who I am apart from my parents and apart from the man I spent most of my life with.
It's a little freeing, but it's also a little scary. I guess I'm outta the boat and Jesus and I are gonna walk on the water together. I'm glad there's no click ticking that says I have to figure it out now. One day at a time and I'm in charge. If course God is first so though I'm learning about me, He's right there with lots of answers.
The journey continues.
- love never fails.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
"I want it now daddy"!
"Godliness with contentment is great gain". Those words are sticking in my throat as I speak them. How many times over the years have I used them, but now in a certain situation I want them to disappear?
It's amazing how many scriptures I can find to support what I want, but it isn't about what I want, but what God wants. I can hear other words, "Not my will but thine".
My husband used to call me "spoiled", and I have to admit I was. The older I get in faith, the less of that God tolerates and the less of it I can allow as well. Lining my will up to God's is what faith towards God is all about.
I'm going to be honest and say I'm afraid to be alone. I've grown accustomed to being married to an honest to goodness human. Being married to God is a whole new world. There is no manipulation of God. It is very different to say the very least.
My peace comes with the knowledge that God is working in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure. As a spoiled child I don't always want to do His will. As an obedient daughter I will lay down my will to accomplish His.
I delight to do thy will O Lord.
Selah
- love never fails.
It's amazing how many scriptures I can find to support what I want, but it isn't about what I want, but what God wants. I can hear other words, "Not my will but thine".
My husband used to call me "spoiled", and I have to admit I was. The older I get in faith, the less of that God tolerates and the less of it I can allow as well. Lining my will up to God's is what faith towards God is all about.
I'm going to be honest and say I'm afraid to be alone. I've grown accustomed to being married to an honest to goodness human. Being married to God is a whole new world. There is no manipulation of God. It is very different to say the very least.
My peace comes with the knowledge that God is working in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure. As a spoiled child I don't always want to do His will. As an obedient daughter I will lay down my will to accomplish His.
I delight to do thy will O Lord.
Selah
- love never fails.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Traveling In Christ
The past three days were so fun. To bring light to folks wherever the Lord sends me is a pure delight. Getting to where the Lord sends me is quite another story. The word tells us to count it all joy (calm delight) when we fall into a variety of trials and temptations knowing that the trial of our faith put patience to work! If we will allow a calm joy to settle in our hearts, little Miss Patience will be working behind the scenes supplying everything we need for the work at hand.
I'm new to traveling and ministering on my own. My husband and I traveled for several years, but eventually my husband thought it best I stay home and he travel. After his death this past September I hit the road to care for the folks he had always ministered to. The groups are coming together and growing, but I have a learning curve now that I'm taking over this new (to me) work.
I began enlisting the prayer groups I'm connected to as well as began asking my own "lambs" to intercede. It surely has made a difference. I've even been asked by gals in the Oklahoma prayer group about studies in their area! That really excites me.
I'm learning my strengths, weaknesses, and how to rest, fast, study and pray for the work God has called me to. It's exciting and now I'm getting a clearer and clearer vision of where God wants me. Living and living traveling in Christ!
From my cozy nook in Roswell, NM and looking forward to a safe and prosperous trip to Lovington!
Cerise
- love never fails.
I'm new to traveling and ministering on my own. My husband and I traveled for several years, but eventually my husband thought it best I stay home and he travel. After his death this past September I hit the road to care for the folks he had always ministered to. The groups are coming together and growing, but I have a learning curve now that I'm taking over this new (to me) work.
I began enlisting the prayer groups I'm connected to as well as began asking my own "lambs" to intercede. It surely has made a difference. I've even been asked by gals in the Oklahoma prayer group about studies in their area! That really excites me.
I'm learning my strengths, weaknesses, and how to rest, fast, study and pray for the work God has called me to. It's exciting and now I'm getting a clearer and clearer vision of where God wants me. Living and living traveling in Christ!
From my cozy nook in Roswell, NM and looking forward to a safe and prosperous trip to Lovington!
Cerise
- love never fails.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Too Much TV?
I'm not a big TV watcher. Mainly because I tend to overdo it and am too drawn into the familiar "boob tube", as my dad called it. Now mind you I do have a few favorite programs I record for watching at later dates when I can allocate time for such indulgences. I was taught well to get my work done and then partake of the pleasures that the work brings. Even in that I'm picky and won't watch 97% of what is offered.
I prefer more cerebral programming, but do enjoy occasional "comedy relief". I enjoy a good mystery from time to time, but gore and thrillers are strictly "off limits" to me. Again because I'm drawn into them way too deeply.
What is it about TV that is so appealing to us? Are our own lives so boring that we must be peeping Toms in someone else's drama? Or are our lives too dramatic and we need to know that, "we aren't alone"? I'm not sure about anyone else's reasons, but for me it's the story. A well written and acted story excites and entertains me. To live inside a different perspective is simply wonderful. I remember when the revelation that everyone didn't think or live as I lived came. I was both shocked, terrified and curious to know why. TV offered a huge smorgasbord of answers to my curiosity. It was a somewhat safe viewing platform for research into my new subject of interest. Although I'm not sure how realistic a great majority of what we see on TV is, it most certainly offers different perspectives than my own.
In spite of my hunger for understanding I still am extremely cautious about what and how much I watch. I think there truly can be "too much" of a good thing as well as a bad thing. A lot of what is on television panders to our baser instincts. This world is a dark place, which means the darkness is going to come into the sanctuary of our homes if allowed. Too much dessert is as bad as a little arsenic.
I will continue to "do research" into the world of other people's perspectives, but always with a measured spoon of moderation. I am pretty sure one can watch "too much TV"!
- love never fails.
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